night

An Investment In Self Depreciating Returns

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You believe you are who you say you are most of the time. It’s how we intercede with the world, and it’s subtle at times because things slip out we never really give much thought to.  That’s why in observing recently I found something I am not too happy with.  It’s this attitude that focuses on whenever I feel awkward or in the spotlight I resort to self-deprecation as a means of humor.  Which ordinarily isn’t an issue but its comes to mind now because I realize its a crutch I resort to when I find myself in a situation that might just be better suited with a pause.  I attack my self to attack my point to avoid conflict of any type.   To make sure I don’t look too big for my britches or arrogant.  All I am doing at the end is destroying both my self-value and smoothing out the potential nuances that never need smoothing.

I don’t know why I do this, its a relic of the past I’m certain but why does it still echo into the present with such volume.  I don’t like doing it, and when I catch myself in the act, I feel as if I am trying to keep myself in a particular negative state of equilibrium.  It’s silly and yet, it’s almost subconscious.  I wonder when this piece of myself started to grow, and give rise to such a nasty habit but I hope to change it.

The world is hard enough as it is without us bringing ourselves down.  It doesn’t stand in confidence, these lowly parts of ourselves, but it keeps us from having to fall when reality kicks us in the face.  That philosophy of keeping ourselves on the ground just because we are afraid it might hurt too much to flight doesn’t actually get us anywhere worth going.  I don’t want to be arrogant but I do want to know myself enough to be confident in my thoughts.  I want for who I am not to need to worry about putting in these words to into my statements to soften the blow.  I should be bold in my statements but also bold in my willingness to accept being wrong when I am.

Progress on ourselves in an ever increasing thing.  Today it’s this, not to depreciate myself, because ultimately it’s an investment in myself and who I will be in the future.

To: Halloween

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Dear Halloween,

I know it’s been a while, I see you every year as we pass by each other and we say hi and exchange small talk. It doesn’t feel real anymore, more like we’re just going through the motions
I know we used to be friends when I was little, I was excited to see you every time I got the chance, but the moment my teen years came around, my dad didn’t want me hanging around you anymore, so we stopped seeing each other.
By the time I finally saw you again I, never knew what to say, so much time had passed, and it felt like we’re in different places.
I want you to know I’ve never had a problem with you. Truth be told I rather like when you’re around, its a lot more lively, and it makes people happy. Though we really didn’t hang out, I knew somewhere deep down we were still on friendly terms.  I know I really dress up to your parties, but at least we always had fun.
As to what happened a couple years ago, I know it wasn’t your fault.  A lot of people get excited when they see you’re going to be around, and that excitement ended up becoming a fight.  It ruined the night and our small interactions.  I don’t want to admit that it still stings a bit, but as times goes on, it’s not as bad as it uses to be.
The reason why I’m writing this to you in the first place is that it’s time for us to get to know each other again. I feel like our relationship could be better.  A lot of people love you, and I can see why you are just enjoyable. People feel like at ease around you and allow themselves to let go, and I should embrace that.
I want to be able to enjoy your company more and even though I know we’re never going to have the same experiences we did in the past but nor should we. We are in different places and want different things.  The fun times we have together should be different too.  I think I’m ready for the next step forward, to start anew. Let me know if your still interested Halloween, I hope I’m not too late.

Sincerely,
Me

Another day.

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Another day beckons me
Calling for my ceasing of action.
Calling for me rest my head so it can prepare itself.
I am ready for it now
Sleep is on the horizon
I am waiting for the sun
To call my name as it arises
To rouse me from my bed
As It tells me whats in store
I can’t wait to see
What tomorrow may bring to me
What next expeirnces will show
And what memories to be made
Another day beckons me
and I am ready.

Running With Strings

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“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”
– Søren Kierkegaard

When I was young, I used to watch my Dad run in the evenings around the track of the local high school. Others were always there, all with the same goal but never having to speak to one another.  Under the harsh stadium lights, that cast dark shadows onto the field were runners in the night. Under the darkened sky there was one such runner I can even now see so vividly.  Tied to his back, strings. Strings that attached to a parachute that would drag behind him and open up whenever he would pick up speed.  I couldn’t understand why someone would do such a thing,  running was hard enough, and this guy was making it harder on himself.  So in the long shadows of the night, I watched the man struggle perplexed.

As of now, I find myself in a strange place because like the runner with the chute, its as if I am holding myself back because of the past.  I look back on these memories and moments of mine and realize that I am tied up with strings that make me unable to move where I would like.  It’s the past I resist against that makes my present that much harder. The memories I have to dictate the path I take because of the fears and experiences I have been through. I look to fight back against it, but I feel slowed and tired from the weight.

I remember the runner again, I remember what he did after running against the parachute. After he removed the strings, I did finally understand. The chute made him stronger, and faster but its only works after he took it off.  He sprinted against the resistance, so when he let go of it, he was even faster than before. The weight had to be lifted off of him for progress to actually be shown. He needed to remove the strings to truly show how fast he can be.

I feel that way at the moment, at another crossroad where the strings of my past are starting to become a detriment in my everyday.  I need to work through my life and letting go of all the weights I’ve been using to move forward.  The resistance that I’ve been training up until this point have been great motivators that I can never forget but have to move on from. I can’t hold onto the past because it will slow down my progress for the future. I have to take off the strings if I ever really want to know how strong I really can be.

 

Succumb

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via Daily Prompt: Succumb

I fight daily with this urge to stop
To let myself flow back into the ethos
To become nothing by doing nothing

It is a much simpler life
One with much less effort
But I know it brings me now happiness

I sit in the darkened room
Sun no longer lighting the sky
My eyes heavy from lack of sleep
My brain telling me just to stop
But my heart tells me to fight the urge

At the end of the day
When I can no longer fight it
When my eyes are too heavy
When my brain stops working
I can finally release
and succumb to the night once more.

A Showdown and a Smile

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With new challenges come new obstacles and difficulties.  I find myself wanting to sleek back into the habit I had before of avoiding the problem hiding away until someone or something else takes care of it. It’s a habit I formed long ago to deal with all the fear and disappointment I felt from my lack of power in the world.  I secluded myself to reading stories about people who did more, tried more, and were more than I felt I could ever be.  I had dreams but now a plan to accomplish them. Each moment I spent with these heroes, I felt as if they were giving me something to carry within myself, a sense of spirit and power.

There is one thing that I feel is almost universal about them is that against extreme odds they do not let the despair of failure cloud their actions.  They press on against this seemingly unrelenting force to create change in the world.  Though not all of them may be the most reliable form the onset, they do what needs to be done because it needs to be done.  They find their purpose and pursue it, and it might be the naivety of my feeling about stories, but if that isn’t one of the more beautiful things life, I don’t really know what is.

What I feel might be one of the more cliche acts that I hold dear to my heart is when a new and unexpected challenge arises, a smile breaks loose from the heroes.  A smile that speaks volumes about how even though the world seems to be crashing down on them, and fate calling for the end, they embrace the chaos of the situation and for a moment are willing to collect the charges of taking on the entire world.

I know in a way its a bit of a silly trope, but a smile breaks down a situation and finds humor in the ridiculousness that our world offers us.  It moves us from being crushed by the weight of the world to feeling free of its burdens.  It gives life to those who feel like theirs is ending. A smile and a laugh are amazingly powerful things.

I am trying to emanate those heroes that are engrained in my heart.  Becoming strong in my own way and fighting my own battles, each successive victory giving me the knowledge that I can go a bit further than I was before.  I hope that when the cards are down, when the world seems to be crashing down around me, that instead of hiding away and hoping it all passes over, that I smile and accept the challenge the world has offered, fighting tooth and nail for victory. This knowing that only way out is forward and all of us are stronger than we believe.

Sickness Fatigue

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I got sick again, and in doing so, its thrown all my plans through the ringer. The idea that I would stay on top of things never accounts for sicknesses of any sort which is probably a bigger problem in the first place. I have probably have said this before, but it really has put a damper on things. This time not just the sickness but the recovery.  It’s taken me days to feel some semblance of normal, and I am still ridiculously tired. I think that’s the worst part of it, not the symptoms but the fatigue.

It hits me like a wall, almost as if my head is moving through a thick fog of fatigue. It has plagued me for days, forcing me to cut short the productive hours I usually have.  Maybe I am pushing it too hard, but I want to make the most of the time I have now and actually make steps to getting ahead in the life in which I dream to be. It even makes waking up feeling with my head feeling heavy of sleeping sand.  I don’t enjoy this at all, it makes me feel so detached from me.

I can say that being sick will always put things in perspective how good it is to be in good health.  I wish I weren’t tired, I wish it didn’t throw out an entire weekend of productivity, but I can’t undo the past. I want to work for the future, but it’s this fatigue that is following me everywhere I go.

I know this isn’t my usual spiel and more of a complaint than anything else, but what can I do when my head is pounding against my eyes asking me to hit the pillow instead of the books.  I can fight back, but I don’t know how much to, I don’t want to relapse and watch myself descend back into sickness, especially when I am so close to these days in which I am free to be as productive as I want to be.  So I will bide my time and wait until I can rise again healthy and full of energy.

 

A Community of Musketeers

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I’ve recently join now a collective referred to as a cohort which is something I have been working towards for a while. What it is, is a simple name for a group of graduate students which come into a department or program the same year you do. In essence, these people are people with whom you’ll be traveling with on the part of your journey to the ultimate goal of the degree.

I have, as always, been thinking a lot about that means.  One of the functions of higher learning is to find a place you both you fit, and that fits you. Though in doing masters, it’s the process is a bit simplified because of the supposed two-year time clock that is ticking away until the end.  Either way, the people I came in with will still be people who I share this experience with one way or another.

This is not to downplay everyone’s personal intentions for coming to this particular program, but it does beg the question. How do we want our relationship with each other to be and how will that shape the future of our time together? I feel this is extremely important because there are so few of us, that the decision we make individually will affect the group collectively.

My dearest hope is that in some way or another we ban together. As reminiscent of the title I chose, the musketeers,  it would be nice to form some sort of bond in which we can really help each other out in our times of need. All for one, and one for all.  I know this sounds a bit idealistic, but I think that’s the spirit needed to actually accomplish something great.  I’m not saying that we have to hang out with each other all the time or even really become close. What I am saying is that in our times of need or weakness someone is there to help and lend a hand.  We will act as both colleagues and rivals. We can set the obstacles and help people overcome them so when the actual danger comes, we will be ready.  Even though we go to the end on our own merit and alone, it doesn’t mean that our strength has to only come from within, you are always much stronger with others are helping you.

I think it all comes down to wanting to leave this place a lot better than where I found it.  The act of giving is one few things we can do where we end up with more than what we started out with.  I honestly believe that if we want this experience to be the most successful, it can be then we must give and not just take. We must utilize what we can and blaze a path for our future. This doesn’t have to be the worst experience of our lives, and even with the difficulties that come with grad school, we will be able to look back and remember something great. It is the beginning of our future.

The Fire Within That Burns The World

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At times it’s hard to so optimistic. Day in and day out, bright. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sunny disposition, it’s what I default back to when I am in new situations.  It’s not even just because of the amount of energy I expend, the cost is negligible because at the end of the day it makes me and others happy.   What the main problem is, that people take it as being disingenuous or too much all the time. Like opening the blinds in a darkened room, the suns rays being to burn your eyes as you squint to see.  It’s a good moment every now and again, but eventually, people will be seeing me through sunglasses or create blinders so that the light stops bothering them.  I become a special case, no longer seeing me for who I am, but a dimmer version of myself.  It gets lost, and though at times I am aware of this light and make motion to try and dampen it, I can’t help but burn within.

I don’t really understand why, but part of me feels this passion for life all the time. It dwells right there within my chest, like a ignited ember, a fire ready to take hold of many exciting things this world has to offer.  Life has a funny way of being able to make things incredibly fascinating.  Like Alice in Wonderland, each little piece has a whole world to it if you’re willing to go down the rabbit hole.  It all acts as kindling for me, and as long as I am moving forward, there is an inexhaustible supply of it.  It keeps me knowing I’m alive sometimes, like breathing and in its absence, it feels like I am suffocating.

But fire burns, and growing up with it makes it, so I am resistant to the heat and the light, but not everyone is or wants to be subjected to it. It radiates out, and sometimes it feels like those around me will eventually get burned unless the light and heat is scattered.  Like I have to continue moving just enough that people will be able to handle it.   I’m learning, of course, each day observing the reactions of others so that I know how much is enough and when to keep my mouth shut. It’s a trail littered with mistakes but at least its progress.

Fire burns hot and requires a lot to burn.  I need to find places where this fire will sit last, a slow burn that warms the spirit and doesn’t burn the soul.  It’s like finding where you belong, and the people you belong with, I want to find both, but there’s really no easy way to look, just keep following your feet. Hopefully, I can find that place where the fire will able to sit for a while and create a fixed light. A light that you can count on light the warms people instead of burning the world.

The Project

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Over 400 hours at this point, over the last 2 years.  400 hours of research that I have been doing since I got back from my trip after my graduation.  Every week, once a week going out to the lab and sitting down in front of a computer to do some sort of work towards my project.  Over 10,000 miles driven to and from home to Lab, adding up to hundreds of hours in the car.  I’ve never really questioned why I was doing it, I just knew I had to for both myself and my future. Hours now for a better life later.

It started as a project in my senior year of college, having gotten a fellowship I was allotted money to help fund my endeavors. Truth be told, it was more of a validation than a necessity to get the project off the ground.  That year flew by as I worked 12 hours a week to get it done and I did finish the preliminary project.

The real journey began after I graduated.  Expanding the project was a hassle, multiplying the work from 3 participants to 56 was no small thing.  I got help though, got to share the burden of this project with others as I both learned and fooled around with the numbers.  I didn’t realize how much of a novice I was until I was sitting in front of a computer, looking at a bunch of figures I didn’t know what to do with with a bunch of results that didn’t make sense except that I knew that I had to do them.

Wrapping my mind around these things, doing all this work outside of school, I’ve never really thought about what I would be doing instead of research.  I just knew I had to do it and so I did. I learned to ask for help. To admit when I was stuck and to bounce ideas off of others.  To stay positive even when things look bleak.

There has been a lot of self-learning, growing in ways along with frustration from lack of understanding.  Delving into areas unknown. I know that I have learned a lot from just being there, and it’s kept me going forward towards my dream.

I am nearing the end soon, the end of my time in this lab.  4 years in totality, 3 on my own project.  It will feel weird when I have gone and left, it been such a staple in my life. I’ve gone through a whole breadth of emotions there, kept coming even through depression because it was something I knew I had to do.  It will be strange when it was gone, and it feels weird now that I am reaching the finale.  I hope I leave on a high note, but at the very least I want to leave knowing that I at least did something.

My last day I imagine will be a quiet one, nothing big going on, with groups of Research Assistants working quietly in the lab.  They won’t know a thing about who I am, my generation has passed, and I will simply walk out that door, walk to my car, and drive away and maybe be remembered for what I did there one day.

I don’t know what the future holds, I just know not to waste it.