A couple weeks ago I came downstairs to find that my bike was stolen. All that was left was my cut lock and a sense of bewilderment as to why someone would steal a 12-year-old bicycle. It was strange, I wasn’t upset about it at all even though I spent the last two years using my bike almost every day. It just was what it was, and I knew I would be able to deal with it.
I was worried it was a great sense of apathy that had befallen me. It wouldn’t have been the first time this had happened, in the years I had depression I became intimately acquainted with this feeling that nothing mattered. I was worried that all the stress from my work, school, and applications had fried my brains and my nerves taking me to this state of nothingness.
It felt like something different though, it was more of an acceptance and moving on. A quick coping with these things that were coming up and threatened to destroy my day. Even after I got sick and bedridden missing events and scrambling my schedule I felt alright.
I just have been happy with life, I had gotten through these difficult moments, have the opportunity be with the people who I love, and enjoy these smaller moments. I know that the future will hold more trails and tribulations but I want to make the most of this time when I feel like I can take on the world.
I think all I really wanted to write is that I am doing okay, and I hope you are doing okay. If you are not, things will be okay eventually, sometimes it is just persisting long enough.
More posts are to come, more thoughts and changes come the in the new year. My next post will be saying goodbye to this last one.
I don’t think it would be a surprise to anyone to say I have been stressed the last several months. I think it’s been apparent in my writings and my actions outside of them. Like a candle burning slowly through the night, I feel exhausted now that everything is said and done. I have finally finished all I have to do before the holidays, but now that things are over I feel.. well… not as I expected.
Everything is over, sure I have lingering projects that I have to do over the break and my job is still going to be there on Monday but I’m done, I made it through the end of this section. I thought I would be happy, overjoyed at this accomplishment and yet I just feel so… empty about it all. Like I have been putting so much of myself into this endeavor that when it came time to submit I forgot to put anything back in.
This emptiness has been manifesting itself throughout my everyday. Things like sitting in chairs listlessly staring into the white of the walls around me, sleeping like a madman who found the meaning of his life in dreams, and a general sense of apathy. These feelings have been following me for days now, and maybe it’s part of the recovery process, but it bothers me. For someone who has been depressed multiple times in his life, these symptoms are worrisome, and if they persist I feel like it will spell trouble. I might be overly sensitive to these things but I can tell you being depresses is something to be wary of.
I think this is all part of a great wind down, this recovery from fried nerves, long nights, and so much worrying. It’s hard to stop after so much frenzied activity, to the point where I am almost more comfortable working at hurried pace than the silence that comes after. There is no gradual tapering off in this season, it’s just all and then nothing.
It’s in recognizing these feelings that start the process of healing, knowing that it’s okay to be not okay for a little while as my spirit returns to me. These feelings of anxiety and lack of productivity will be fine for some time, as long as they aren’t keeping me from what I enjoy. That I have to express my frustration and emotions as they come and be content with the things that I have. To know that things will return in time, and I have to keep pushing forward. In recognition, I have the ability to fight against this and rise above.
Today marks the day to start to recover from this crazy rollercoaster I have been on for the last 6 months, which is a coincidence because it is my birthday too.
I never really know what’s going to come out when I sit down to a page. I might have an idea about what I want to touch on but the words themselves only appear once I am sitting in front of my keyboard typing.
I have been thinking about this type of chaotic flow that bursts forth, this stream of conscious type of writing. While it has its benefits I find that the flow and quality of the post are lacking in some ways because of it. Without this plan, it sometimes feels like I’m stitching together an elaborate asynchronous quilt hoping that at the end of the day whatever comes out is coherent.
This form of writing stems from this frustration of not being able to put what I am thinking down on a page. Regardless of how much I plan, there is a strange disconnect between my brain and my hands preventing the perfect prose from pouring out. The compromise I’ve come to is that if my thoughts happen at the exact moment of my writing then there is no way I can mess it up.
I think the progress I have made in the last several years because of this method is evident in the way I put these words together but I feel like there’s another step I need to take. I want for my words to flow into sentences, which flow into paragraphs, which flow into one cohesive story. A unit that is greater than the sum of its parts. This would require more planning and forethought I have been putting into my posts, what it will require is more time than I have at the moment. What it will require is me planning and preparing for this each week so that I can progress. I want this because if I continue to practice I may be able to go from a decent writer to a good one. One that people look forward to reading.
Ultimately, I’ve taken this year and used this blog as a means to cope and contend with the struggles brought on by going back to school. I’ve filled posts thoughts and feelings about this process in return, this blog has provided me with a sense of solace and grounding. I want to expand its reach, overcome these challenges growing week by week until I am where I want to be. It’s this slow process that ultimately brings change, and change is what I need. At the end of the day I’m just an inquisitve piglet so thank you for sticking it out with me another year, I promise this next one will be even better.
Here is a link to my previous posts, I went back to read them and I am happy to see my progress over these last three years. Year One | Year Two | Year Three
I feel tense, my whole body feels as though it is still holding on to stress from this application season. Most of what I need to do is behind me, but I don’t have the feeling of being complete or relaxed. I am stuck holding everything rigid, like a ghost is still there haunting me.
This feeling is like when I used to ride my motorcycle long distances through traffic. Though it looks like motorcycles taking it easy and passing between cars it just the opposite, during traffic we are most tense. Going in between cars we have to watch for any little indicator of a potential of trouble that is to say it’s hard being invisible when there thousand pound vehicles that wouldn’t think twice to roll over you. It’s after these especially tense trips that I feel it. I would peel my hands off the handlebars of my bike and no matter what I did it would still feel like I was there, riding between the cars.
I’m trying to let go, relax and feel alright, but I feel like this will be a process of recovery. I have been going non-stop since the beginning of summer culminating to these past couple weeks. My body doesn’t even know what to do now that the stress is technically over.
Maybe I’ll take it easy, but not likely, I am sure after a couple days that feeling of needing to work will come over me again. I just hope that by the time that comes, I will be okay again.