There is really no way to know the future for certain. Even within statistics, the study of whether or not something may happen, the probability of certainty will never reach one-hundred percent. Yet we try failingly to see out the world in front of us.
We try and try again to predict, control, and pursue the fixed outcome but in this world, there are too many variables to take in account, too many lives and experiences to know anything honestly for certain. In this world when we are shrouded in the fog of the future, it easy for us to break down and lose ourselves in all of the unknown.
I had trouble this week because something that should have been made certain a long time ago was made uncertain for me again. You see if nothing else I am persistent in my pursuit in higher education so in having gone through this process of applying for schools I should know by now exactly where the best place for me would be. But just like like a mirage in the desert, I saw what would be an oasis give way to only more sand. I’ve come to this place where I must find my future in a sea of unknowns and yet once again before my eyes it seemed like that I knew evaporated before me. It’s hard to act when I don’t know where I am going, it’s hard to push forward when I don’t know where forward is. It was starting to twist my heart and bog me down. It is hard and stressful and I didn’t know where to go.
Now I don’t know if I am lucky or unlucky but I’ve been in these situations before and each time it doesn’t feel any better. This crippling feeling of unresolved anxiety starts to consume all my thoughts and feelings. I get up in the morning and it’s right there sitting in my chest feeling like the whole world weight is concentrated in my heart. Throughout the day it feels been cast a bleak shade of grey to emphasize the hopelessness I feel. Finally, at night it stirs in my brain keeping me up only to finally give me some reprieve when I eventually get to sleep. I’ve realized that the for the most part, the reason all of this is happening is that a decision is left to be made. That through this indecision I freeze up and because I freeze up I stay trapped in this prison of uncertainty.
After much time like this, I was finally able to able to see the light and choose for myself how the path would go. It’s hard because we never know if we are making the right decision, or if we have all the informaiton. We get trapped in the prospect of something new coming along that may change how we feel about everything. All it takes is to make a decision about which way to go forward. To know that it’s okay to make a decision and change my mind later. Though I can’t say that all this anxiety and worry is gone, I can say that I am moving forward in a way that works and is functional.
I think what kills us about this uncertainty is that standing on the edge keeps us stuck between places. This life in-between doesn’t work because we dont know where to go. It’s like dangling our feet off a cliff, the fear comes from what might happen and not what is happening. Sometimes just making a decision to jump to the waters below will allow us to be free of this suffering, instead of always worrying about whether or not we will fall in the first place.