My heart pumps slow, like a loud drum in an orchestra, bringing attention to itself ever time it beats, especially when there is no other noise around me. I sit in a darkened room illuminated only by my laptop, the best place to write because I can finally concentrate on one thing, and one thing only. My body feels heavy from all the work I have been trying to put into it; eating right and exercising take its toll especially when I have been staying up so late. My arms feel heavy, and my back wants to slouch, my mind craves music to fill the empty silences even though I stop paying attention to what is playing after a short time. It’s just the noise that keeps me going. All my mind wants is to sit back and talk about all the mysteries of the world into the night, but all I have is the empty space beside me, and a desire to fill it with someone who will lay back and ponder the world with me.
I always have had a difficult time when it comes to what I want with intimacy. Never knowing how to feel about wanting someone there, and knowing they want me to be there too. Trying to find the people who get me, or how it was put to me, feeling as they truly see me. It’s this feeling that comes from the heart, telling me to fill it up with love for other people.
I am confused, how is it that I am supposed to find these people now? How am I suppose to reach out and interact with them? The number of people I come in contact with diminished and the technological alternatives are not always the best at conveying thoughts and ideas.
I have come to a point, where my heart and mind are confused, craving that conversation, craving those people who want to stay up all night long to talk about everything and nothing at all while in the mean time feeling so done with the idea of intimacy that it disassembles and disconnects my sexuality. Part of me is happy; I have the ability to work on myself, work on all the little things that I’ve trouble with, polishing my skills and making sure I have a solid foundation. It gives me time to breathe and reflect on life. The other part of me is still looking up at the sky hoping to ignite those relationships and start that fire within my chest.
Should I seek that connection? Those intertwining tendrils that weave two stories together linking people. I try to reach out in ways, finding that trying to ignite those heart to heart conversations, a connecting of souls are few and far between. It makes me question my desire for this connection, is this something that’s natural or is this another symptom of my confusion.
I know at the end of the day, connecting will always do me well. I have both lost and gained connections over the years but as of now, I want more. I want that person to be there, to get me, that person I can be loud with and sit in silence with. The person who wants to be there, knows I want them there too.
The music stops, the hour grows late. My eyes grow tired but unable to rest. My body is slinking down now, and my mind slows. I find myself mulling over these thoughts in the dark quiet of my room, reminded of the empty space next to me.