Succumb

via Daily Prompt: Succumb

I fight daily with this urge to stop
To let myself flow back into the ethos
To become nothing by doing nothing

It is a much simpler life
One with much less effort
But I know it brings me now happiness

I sit in the darkened room
Sun no longer lighting the sky
My eyes heavy from lack of sleep
My brain telling me just to stop
But my heart tells me to fight the urge

At the end of the day
When I can no longer fight it
When my eyes are too heavy
When my brain stops working
I can finally release
and succumb to the night once more.

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Midnight Musings : Confidence

Confidence like glass shatters,
The moment it breaks,
Your heart drops and the noise resonates within you,
Leaving sharp pieces of a once clear thing scattered around
Unable to move
you become afraid to hurt yourself more
On the shards of your once intact self
Like a minefield, you feel you must tread carefully
Because you are susceptible to harm

There you stand
Watching as the light twinkles upon the pieces defiantly
With all these numerous and  infinitesimal selves scattered about
You can’t put it back together.
You have to clean up the debris
and start again
Hoping it’s stronger the next time though.

past.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
The Great Gatsby

The past
I laugh to keep from crying
It trails me from afar
In a way I can never predict
It bites me when I’m tired
It hovers when I’m sick
I have given all I have to fight it
Or I may never win

It sits there haunting me
Like a regret but more subtle.
It’s not that I haven’t gotten over it
It’s because I am worried it isn’t done with me

Maybe it’s my fault
Thinking it might shatter my grand illusion
But I shouldn’t be worried
As long as I who I say I am
Maybe that’s my sin
That I may just fall apart
and all I will be left with is him.

short style.

Be it as it may
I don’t want to live a life
of illusion
a contrived life
built on sand castles in the sand
that only stands tall because the tide is low

what is the point of being the highest point in the depth of a valley
it makes mountains look impossibly tall
unclimbable
I also don’t want to be the mountain
standing above others alone at the summit

I want to be the wind,
the thing that can fly as the sky
and as low as the floor
but touches everything
and comes in contact even with the loneliest stone
I want a life on the wind

Stupid Thoughts

I have a bleeding yearning
A picturesque promise of pain
My heart bounds at the notion
That makes me feel all but lame

The stench of love wafts by me
In now the season of death
When our impulse should be to find shelter
And try to eliminate threats

What timing do I have
That these feelings start to well
With no home to anchor
And no way to quell
So they feel like they want to fester
To grow fat in the absence of purpose
It is dangerous
For feelings that were spurned without purpose
Look for a place to attach
Then it is love without meaning
Like a well in a swamp

I hope that in my troubles
That I am able to let this feeling pass
To move towards a future without sorrow
Or chance of relapse

I want to change but to change requires discipline
Discipline to say not to what pains me
To think, measure, and act
I want to strike this balance within me
And not worry about what I may lack

I hope I am busy tomorrow and the next
I hope that I will be stressed
That way when I come across it tomorrow
I don’t have time for it even on my breath 

my breath

Help And Aid All Day

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A world made up of heroes and villains, a world of fantasy that over lays itself on our own.  People far and wide look up to heroes and want to be like them. I think the world loves its heroes not because of the flashy way they go about their lives but the idea that someone of an almost mythical quality can come an take you away from the problems you have.  I’ve always wanted to be a hero in someway, someone who can save people, change their lived in an instant, and inspire other to carry on doing great things.  Its not exactly that straight forward though, it doesn’t just happen in a moment.

I just want to help others, lessen as much of their suffering as much as I can, but it doesn’t always work out the way I want.  I can’t save everyone on my own, but does that mean I should stop trying. Never. It’s a matter of understanding what I can and can’t do at the moment. The limitations that I have, and what powers I can use to lessen a problem not create new ones.

Situations may arise where it turns out I am simply not the right person to help, that in no small way am I the hero in their story, not the right person to be telling people advice or helping them along the way.  That there is someone more meaningful or impactful that in their heart of hearts they hope they see. Do I keep at it then, it’s a bit of a slog over time. Perhaps I should help find the person that would be most impactful for them, being an intermediary hero. Maybe I need to maximize my impact by excelling in my own way so that people can look up to me, perhaps they will listen then. Then maybe I can become this right person to help them along the way.

There is also the saying of “healthy neglect” the idea that people in some way have to struggle on their own through situations so they can learn the lessons and get stronger.  I have a hard time with this because I see somebody struggling and my first instinct is to extend my hand in aid.

Furthermore, I hate that the world has its own plans.  It’s the hard part about psychology, even if you know the problem and answer, it doesn’t mean it will happen or that you can do anything about it.  Each person had to make their own choices because they are the ones who have to deal with the feeling afterward.   Each step they take they have to take on their own.

Who really knows though, I will keep fighting because that is who I am.  I might get saddened by peoples sadness, hope to god that I can just make their life better even if it’s not by much. To create that positive impact that follows you like a trail blazed through a forest.

Stress bubble

It sits there in my throat
Moving back and forth between my chest and my head
An overwhelming rush of feeling
One that yells “RUN” at me
It throws jitters through my body
Makes my eyes water as if wanting to cry
This overwhelming feeling makes it seem like I am being crushed

I want to hide,
Get away from this stress that I feel
I could end it all
Stop the stress, but stopping doing things in my life
But that’s not how it works
I can’t be active and involved
Without the stress
Change will come eventually
And it’s best to face it rather than hiding from it.
I used to eat through my feelings
I used to throw myself into my hobbies
My games
I used to throw myself into my relationships
all of these things to rid myself of these horrible feelings
but I can’t do it anymore
I have to live with them
Fight through them

For now, I swallow the knot in my throat
Wait for the feeling to pass
Stop feeding the flame
And work toward the future.

I just don’t know when the stress bubble will pop.

Moving Through

I feel in this place
A sense of calm
As if I had been lost in the forest
Trying to find a way to get through
And bustling and blustering
And freaking out
But now I see the path
and I am moving to it
As if I am okay with where I am going
And how I am getting there
I just have to get to the path
And I’ll be home free

Hot Summer Afternoon

It was the small crease in her dress that drew my eye. It crumpled slightly in the middle as she leaned her head on her arm. A small sunflower flower pattern covered the dress made a radiate yellow hue that shined brightly whenever the sun would hit it.

Underneath peaked a pure white tank top that stuck to her skin outlining its shape. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and her face glistened from the beads of sweat that have started to form on that hot summers day.  She might have been in the shade but you can tell she was warm by the way she was breathing.

Her eyes were illuminated by the screen she held, like a portable dopamine dump, they seemed transfixed on the screen as her whole face had a serious but relaxed look to it.  Her hands flicked, poked, and prodded the screen but her face never changed and her eyes never moved.

A moment seemed like an eternity on that hot summer afternoon.