As I have made it evident, I have been having a hard time the last several months when returning home from my long trip.  A feeling of emptiness that persisted for months, a feeling of being left along, the burden of major decision weighing on my shoulders,  and my mind turning to the darker places in life. I was in a storm and I drove thin the people who decided to try and weather the rain and wind with me, to them (especially my ex-girlfriend) I am eternally grateful.  I was lucky in some respects, I could have lost much more than I did, I could have become catatonic from all the darkness and missed out on doing what I needed to.  After all the chaos and change that was going on, I found people to lean on and to help me through it. I needed to learn to be able to get back up on my own but a helping hand is something I learned to take.  I was able to get back up on my feet, after the long night to find the world still mostly intact.  Soon, my dark world became a little more illuminated for me to see the people around me, the color of the world restored little by little. It’s funny how in the time when they are dark they make it seem to make the world feel cold and shallow, only to find that we are missing so much when the light returns.

The story isn’t over though. This darkness was replaced by intensity of spirit. It maintained me for some time. The feeling of great and powerful emotions, happiness and sadness, anger and patience, all these returning in great waves crashing against the harbor of my life. The feeling gave me color and the ability to be happy but it also brought about the feeling of a fragile existence. Like I am walking on ice on a frozen lake, knowing I could fall in any time. The intensity is though unsustainable, though it amplifies the good emotions it also amplifies the bad ones. Anger and a sense of intolerance rose up in my life. A particularity about how I want things done, a wanton feeling of not wanting to put up with anything.  The desire to be chased but not to chase by the things I want. It’s got me up on my feet, but I needed more. Acting on how my emotions feels like swaying  and has no consistency to it. I wanted it though because it gave me the ability to act, and made me feel free for some time.

This desire for something more sustainable persisted, before the waves of emotions broke something more important. Fortunately, I woke up this morning realizing what I was missing, deliberate action. Putting myself into what I want to do, and fueling it by ourselves.  For me, I want to fuel it with love. The love of what I do, the love of the world around me, and treating those around me with love. It is a feeling that is sustainable and makes me feel complete. To love the world, and everything in it. The emotion, that inspires me to be great and picks me up instead of pushing others things down.  Thats not to say I won’t get mad or feel negatively but its that approach gives me the ability to grow and it makes the world a beautiful place once again.

I will ultimately never be done with my desire for self improvement but I feel like it I can give my all to whatever I am doing. I leave with a quote again, this time by Isaac Asimov.

“However, I continue to try and I continue, indefatigably, to reach out. There’s no way I can single-handedly save the world or, perhaps, even make a perceptible difference – but how ashamed I would be to let a day pass without making one more effort.”

I have always been a patient person, at least with others it has never been a problem. I am the last person in the car to get frustrated and yell at traffic, the one who will sit calmly in a waiting room and weight my turn. I would say it is one of my strengths that I learned from a young age from both of my parents. Sure, there are times when I get antsy about the result or bored, but I have always been able to brave the storm.

The problem is,recently I fully the extent of my patience. It only extends to others, when it comes to myself I seem to not have any left. It leads me to get frustrated when I find that I can’t do something, or am trying to get better at something. I want to get better and be good at everything immediately which is a silly notion. It drives me to learn as much as I can as quickly as possible which is great, but I find myself being too hard on myself. Pushing myself down, being my own dark voice, berating myself about my lack of ability and my apparent lack of strength in the matter. Leading my mind to either shape up or ship out.  I don’t need to be my own bad guy, the world will tell me enough that I can’t or I shouldn’t, I need to be on my own team. I need to give myself the support I try to give to those around me.

What I want and know I have to work on is to be patient with myself just as I am with others.  Knowing that not everything happens all at once and even for me, I will have to work at it. Taking small steps toward my future, and knowing sometimes that will be okay. It reminds me of a speech from the movie Any Given Sunday.  Life is a game of inches, and pushing myself to be greater than the person I was a moment before is what I should for. I want to end with a line from one of my favorite anime.

“We evolve, beyond the person that we were a minute before. Little by little, we advance with each turn. That’s how a drill works!”

Thank You for reading.

It took me a little while before I realize, that general fear and anxiety had entered my life.  It came without me knowing, only giving me enough time to react. It like found myself along that dark and scary path lined by trees so even the moonlight would reach the ground. It felt like the world was trying its hardest to break me and my spirit.  Making small hurdles and obstacles in the road seem like towering walls with no change of success. It made me drop down and worry about all the little things that may or may not even happen. Paranoid about the what ifs, creating more fear in the process. The fear humble me before its might, reducing me and crushing me into my small helpless self.

Its been a lot, and I have been consumed by it on my journey.  Some parts become too scared to move, never knowing how to begin or if its even worth while. Others I avoid, act like the problem isn’t there and try to move on with my life as if nothing is going on. Both of those things are not good for progress.

I realized, after my breakup that I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep wasting my time and wallowing but the fear returned, afraid of being alone with myself.  Afraid of touching the things that I once found so great in that they would wither with my hands and something I loved would becoming something I despise.  I left room and the things in it to collect dust hoping that I could find enough to fulfill me outside of it. Each time coming back, afraid of slumping back into my small self.

I’m done with fear, it doesn’t go away by putting it off, and I have always known that.  I have been able to face it head on as I got older, with or without help from others.  That’s who I was and who I am, not strong from weights but strong of spirit. Everyone gets afraid, and I know sometimes it feels like the world is ending, but I can’t let that win, I have to do all I can and relinquish the rest. I may stumble and I may fall, but I will get back up and face the music. I will face the trees and darkness on my path, and become the light I need to continue on my journey.

Happy New Year