via Daily Prompt: Succumb
I fight daily with this urge to stop
To let myself flow back into the ethos
To become nothing by doing nothing
It is a much simpler life
One with much less effort
But I know it brings me now happiness
I sit in the darkened room
Sun no longer lighting the sky
My eyes heavy from lack of sleep
My brain telling me just to stop
But my heart tells me to fight the urge
At the end of the day
When I can no longer fight it
When my eyes are too heavy
When my brain stops working
I can finally release
and succumb to the night once more.
With new challenges come new obstacles and difficulties. I find myself wanting to sleek back into the habit I had before of avoiding the problem hiding away until someone or something else takes care of it. It’s a habit I formed long ago to deal with all the fear and disappointment I felt from my lack of power in the world. I secluded myself to reading stories about people who did more, tried more, and were more than I felt I could ever be. I had dreams but now a plan to accomplish them. Each moment I spent with these heroes, I felt as if they were giving me something to carry within myself, a sense of spirit and power.
There is one thing that I feel is almost universal about them, is that against extreme odds they do not let the despair of failure cloud their actions. They press on against this seemingly unrelenting force to create change in the world. Though not all of them may be the most reliable form the onset, they do what needs to be done because it needs to be done. They find their purpose and pursue it, and it might be the naivety of my feeling about stories, but if that isn’t one of the more beautiful things life, I don’t really know what is.
What I feel might be one of the more cliche acts that I hold dear to my heart is when a new and unexpected challenge arises, a smile breaks loose from the heroes. A smile that speaks volumes about how even though the world seems to be crashing down on them, and fate calling for the end, they embrace the chaos of the situation and for a moment are willing to collect the charges of taking on the entire world.
I know in a way its a bit of a silly trope, but a smile breaks down a situation and finds humor in the ridiculousness that our world offers us. It moves us from being crushed by the weight of the world to feeling free of its burdens. It gives life to those who feel like theirs is ending. A smile and a laugh are amazingly powerful things.
I am trying to emanate those heroes that are engrained in my heart. Becoming strong in my own way and fighting my own battles, each successive victory giving me the knowledge that I can go a bit further than I was before. I hope that when the cards are down, when the world seems to be crashing down around me, that instead of hiding away and hoping it all passes over, that I smile and accept the challenge the world has offered, fighting tooth and nail for victory. This knowing that only way out is forward and all of us are stronger than we believe.
Confidence like glass shatters,
The moment it breaks,
Your heart drops and the noise resonates within you,
Leaving sharp pieces of a once clear thing scattered around
Unable to move
you become afraid to hurt yourself more
On the shards of your once intact self
Like a minefield, you feel you must tread carefully
Because you are susceptible to harm
There you stand
Watching as the light twinkles upon the pieces defiantly
With all these numerous and infinitesimal selves scattered about
You can’t put it back together.
You have to clean up the debris
and start again
Hoping it’s stronger the next time though.
I got sick again, and in doing so, its thrown all my plans through the ringer. The idea that I would stay on top of things never accounts for sicknesses of any sort which is probably a bigger problem in the first place. I have probably have said this before, but it really has put a damper on things. This time not just the sickness but the recovery. It’s taken me days to feel some semblance of normal, and I am still ridiculously tired. I think that’s the worst part of it, not the symptoms but the fatigue.
It hits me like a wall, almost as if my head is moving through a thick fog of fatigue. It has plagued me for days, forcing me to cut short the productive hours I usually have. Maybe I am pushing it too hard, but I want to make the most of the time I have now and actually make steps to getting ahead in the life in which I dream to be. It even makes waking up feeling with my head feeling heavy of sleeping sand. I don’t enjoy this at all, it makes me feel so detached from me.
I can say that being sick will always put things in perspective how good it is to be in good health. I wish I weren’t tired, I wish it didn’t throw out an entire weekend of productivity, but I can’t undo the past. I want to work for the future, but it’s this fatigue that is following me everywhere I go.
I know this isn’t my usual spiel and more of a complaint than anything else, but what can I do when my head is pounding against my eyes asking me to hit the pillow instead of the books. I can fight back, but I don’t know how much to, I don’t want to relapse and watch myself descend back into sickness, especially when I am so close to these days in which I am free to be as productive as I want to be. So I will bide my time and wait until I can rise again healthy and full of energy.