At times it’s hard to so optimistic. Day in and day out, bright. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sunny disposition, it’s what I default back to when I am in new situations. It’s not even just because of the amount of energy I expend, the cost is negligible because at the end of the day it makes me and others happy. What the main problem is, that people take it as being disingenuous or too much all the time. Like opening the blinds in a darkened room, the suns rays being to burn your eyes as you squint to see. It’s a good moment every now and again, but eventually, people will be seeing me through sunglasses or create blinders so that the light stops bothering them. I become a special case, no longer seeing me for who I am, but a dimmer version of myself. It gets lost, and though at times I am aware of this light and make motion to try and dampen it, I can’t help but burn within.
I don’t really understand why, but part of me feels this passion for life all the time. It dwells right there within my chest, like a ignited ember, a fire ready to take hold of many exciting things this world has to offer. Life has a funny way of being able to make things incredibly fascinating. Like Alice in Wonderland, each little piece has a whole world to it if you’re willing to go down the rabbit hole. It all acts as kindling for me, and as long as I am moving forward, there is an inexhaustible supply of it. It keeps me knowing I’m alive sometimes, like breathing and in its absence, it feels like I am suffocating.
But fire burns, and growing up with it makes it, so I am resistant to the heat and the light, but not everyone is or wants to be subjected to it. It radiates out, and sometimes it feels like those around me will eventually get burned unless the light and heat is scattered. Like I have to continue moving just enough that people will be able to handle it. I’m learning, of course, each day observing the reactions of others so that I know how much is enough and when to keep my mouth shut. It’s a trail littered with mistakes but at least its progress.
Fire burns hot and requires a lot to burn. I need to find places where this fire will sit last, a slow burn that warms the spirit and doesn’t burn the soul. It’s like finding where you belong, and the people you belong with, I want to find both, but there’s really no easy way to look, just keep following your feet. Hopefully, I can find that place where the fire will able to sit for a while and create a fixed light. A light that you can count on light the warms people instead of burning the world.