You believe you are who you say you are most of the time. It’s how we intercede with the world, and it’s subtle at times because things slip out we never really give much thought to. That’s why in observing recently I found something I am not too happy with. It’s this attitude that focuses on whenever I feel awkward or in the spotlight I resort to self-deprecation as a means of humor. Which ordinarily isn’t an issue but its comes to mind now because I realize its a crutch I resort to when I find myself in a situation that might just be better suited with a pause. I attack my self to attack my point to avoid conflict of any type. To make sure I don’t look too big for my britches or arrogant. All I am doing at the end is destroying both my self-value and smoothing out the potential nuances that never need smoothing.
I don’t know why I do this, its a relic of the past I’m certain but why does it still echo into the present with such volume. I don’t like doing it, and when I catch myself in the act, I feel as if I am trying to keep myself in a particular negative state of equilibrium. It’s silly and yet, it’s almost subconscious. I wonder when this piece of myself started to grow, and give rise to such a nasty habit but I hope to change it.
The world is hard enough as it is without us bringing ourselves down. It doesn’t stand in confidence, these lowly parts of ourselves, but it keeps us from having to fall when reality kicks us in the face. That philosophy of keeping ourselves on the ground just because we are afraid it might hurt too much to flight doesn’t actually get us anywhere worth going. I don’t want to be arrogant but I do want to know myself enough to be confident in my thoughts. I want for who I am not to need to worry about putting in these words to into my statements to soften the blow. I should be bold in my statements but also bold in my willingness to accept being wrong when I am.
Progress on ourselves in an ever increasing thing. Today it’s this, not to depreciate myself, because ultimately it’s an investment in myself and who I will be in the future.