There are moments of my life that repeat over and over in my head, things I don’t necessarily understand the significance of them until later. Things I have had that inspired me, mistakes I’ve made, and conversations I have had with others. One of these is a silly question I came across when I was shooting theoretical questions back and forth. The question had more of one of the feel of an online personally quiz then an introspective plot point in my life. The question from years ago was “If I were to embody an element in my life, which would it be?”. A simple question really in the grand scheme of things, but at the time I chose the wind, something that can flows through life touching everything but never being captured, something that bends and flows around problems but is a force that can erode great structures and even become the power behind a storm. My friend had disagreed with me, never seeing me as the wind but instead light. I didn’t at the time understand the full extension of that statement. Light like wind, can’t be captured or contain, it illuminates and guides, creating a path, always the first thing that enters a room, allowing all those who follows to know the path they can follow and to demystify the world. I had to wrap my head around it, I didn’t feel worth of such a designation. Light for me was just much to bright, how could I be light when I struggle and fall, when I crash and crawl, when a lot of the time I don’t know really what I am doing. I have just been trying to live in the best way for me, how could I illuminate anyones path for anyone.
It is easy to look at the bright side of light(unintentional pun), but with everything comes pro’s and con’s. I became scared of being light, something when too focused on people or things begins to burn them, something the reveals the things in people that they don’t want to see (including things within myself), something that cast shadows and hurts to see directly. Now you already know that I have over thought this way too much. It’s a simple statement that I shouldn’t necessarily put all that much stock into. I never planned to put that much thought into it but it became this small and growing obsession over whether or not it was true, and if should I try to live up to “light”. It would mean to expose myself in light and come to terms with all that is to be me.
I got my answer though, and it’s through this last couple months. From suffering from the darkness in my own life, revealing the faults and fractures from within myself that I came to a clarity of where I realized what I want to be. I realized by coming back home that the world has people are struggling just as much as I am, with people losing hope of a way out of the crushing defeat of the soul. When the day becomes long and we had to think about how hard it is sometimes to get out of bed and losing the reason to do so. Losing the color and vibrancy of the world around us, seeing everything in a smattering of grey, so much so that things we love simple become actions and fade into nothing. When dreams start to feel out of reach or simply not worth reaching for. Worst of all losing the smile that we all have deep down inside that itself is an illumination of the soul within. I know the horrors of this darkness, the well of emotion what we sit in unable to seemingly reach or climb our way out of, only destined to look up at the freedom we don’t have. What I want to be for others is the morning sun, the one that comes out after the darkness of night to warm all those who were stuck out in the cold. The warm light that touches the skin and brings reprieve knowing that the day will come. Inside of me, I feel that desire to spread that warm love and light I know and have found within myself to reignite the light in any of those trapped in that darkness, show us the way home after a long night of wandering. To reignite the sparkle in our eyes, and the love in our hearts. To show the everyone, how beautiful the world can be and that there is hope and happiness out there for us all.
Lastly just wanted to say that there is a path out there, people who care, and light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone wants to talk, I will listen, no judgement.