I had a dream recently, a waking dream that felt so real but so distant at the same time.

I was floating there, through the darkness, in the infinite darkness that can be.  It reminded me of a calm night without stars, sitting there floating through entropy.  I sat there for a while, in a sense of wallow, what had brought me there I do not know, but all I knew is I was there floating. Floating, but not moving, frozen there in the darkness.

Before I knew right from left a wave a pure bright light washed over this world and exposed my floating. I could see myself, whole and untouched in the great vacuum of just light and self.  A feeling of who I am awoke within this light, in the realization that it had been sleeping. You see darkness has a way of clouding us, and making us lose ourselves because there is no reflection if there is not enough light to see.

In getting my bearings, I looked out into the light that I was now able to see. The world was just as it changed before a void of light before it changed again. The light and darkness began to spin in a great vortex, like night and day, flipping from place to place, circling me and casting shadow on my skin.  It sped up and slowed down, and thought came to me that could control this light, this balance, this ebb and flow. I spun the light around me, filled the world with darkness, then back again to light.  This is when I woke up and knew what my heart had revealed to me in the guise of a dream.  It’s up to us it said. It’s up to us how we want to fill our world and see it. That is the one thing we have power over when all seems to be falling down around us.

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It’s been a long couple months, and it’s so easy to get caught up in my head.  I’ve always maintained that my mind is the most dangerous place for me, especially if I have too much time to think.  I think a lot of us do that, get caught up in that moment, and can’t see the forest from the trees. It’s ultimately up to us though, how we want to view the world and what we want to put out into it.

That’s not to say that everything has to be light, and beautiful, darkness itself has it’s own place in this world.  Without darkness we would not know light, and without light we would not know darkness. It’s when these things seem not to be equal and when our view of the world gets skewed so much. The light itself will begin to hurt us because we can’t obtain it, it will be too bright what would be a world of darkness. This though works in a world of light, if some small darkness is found, we fixate on it and don’t realize that focusing on this small blip in our bright world, we welcome more of this darkness into ourselves. It all seems so far off, especially in a world of darkness, because that’s all you can see, a small star in a field of space.  We need to realize, there is a dichotomy in that, and that truthfully we can create that light that within ourselves.  If we are open, we allow ourselves to be touched by this light it will make us vulnerable to all forces in the world that may hurt us. If we are closed, we cast shadows upon ourselves but protect ourselves from the onslaught of the world and all its evils.  Neither is wrong, but for me I need to trust my heart is strong, that way even if the world seems to be shrouded and darkness, I will at least have the light from within to guide the way home.

I want to be the light, out there in the darkness because I know what it is, to be alone. I want to guide people because I know what it is to be without a guide.  It’s up to me how I want to live my life, whether it’s in light or in darkness. And I know for myself that living in the light is the place I would much rather be.

Recording:

Here is the second part of the story, the story about the boy with the mask.

Once the summer ended, and his new arrangement secured he entered a strange place, a high school he never planned on.  He had gone from the familiar and  “safe” place for himself to place that acted in a notorious but mythical way.  It was a place that a symbol of all that could go wrong, all that had but this was also his chance to start himself anew. There was a problem, he was lost to who he was at the outset.  All that flooded to him was to act and to copy.  The mask knew that well, how to change his face and make it look like anything he wanted.  So he did, he copied his way through, empty as he could be but appearances are everything so he maintained those as much as he could. He was learning and growing in his own way, without his knowledge things were changing.

For a while, the void grew larger, and he felt emptier than before. The emptiness had started to tear apart his being.  He lost understanding, and motion became all he knew.  Going through the day correctly so no one would ask questions became his objective. Before long he had forgotten how it felt to feel that anguish that drove towards his current lifestyle. He started to forget sadness, happiness, anger, and that pain. It was just a void and him now, and he couldn’t care either way.

The boy eventually grew tired of tired of the emptiness. He looked around and wondered why everyone was so different. The boy wanted to know what it felt like to be like everyone else instead of just a passive observer.  He wanted to know what made people smile, laugh, and cry again. He wanted to feel real again, and not some sort of husk.
Through the motivation this new entrenched desire he made his play. He would take the time to change, take the time to fix this hole in his soul.  The only way he figured that he could remove the emptiness was to fill it with something. So inch by inch and day by day the boy rediscovered the emotions he had forgotten, to learn what it was to be the human he wanted to be.  He had to learn all these lessons all over again like a child, but he grew to understand them.  Happiness, sadness, love, and a sense adventure, with each one he had learned he grew stronger than before.  It may have taken the boy a lot of time, but eventually, he started to act on the feeling in his heart rather than the ideas in his head.

As the void began to fill, within his heart and soul and he started to feel human again. The boy filled his emptiness with the new life he had set for himself.  He filled it with memory, filled it with friends, love, and learning.  The boy became fascinated by what people do and learned to enjoy life. The wounds began to heal, and the scars began to form, but he learned to live with the scars and wear them proudly. He had survived and learned to thrive, escaped the hell of the void and made it out on top. He understood how easy it is to throw your emotions away because they hurt, but sometimes it’s just simpler to face them.  So the boy lived on, heart and soul hoping that through his tragedy, he would create something better and help others avoid the fate he had faced.

The reason I tell this story is that I realized it has been ten years since the start of those darker days and my first real struggle with depression.  I had it for about 2 years in total, before the cloud began to lift and I felt normal again, even then I felt its effects for many years. Now, I know that I can look forward to the future because of the boy with the mask and having learned how to retake control of my life.  Though it may have been hard, I know at the end of the day I am a stronger person because of it (not that anyone should experience that). I hope that this gives people hope in their own struggles out there, and to let them know that though darkness may fall, the dawn will eventually come.