growing

The Happy Button

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One of the greatest and worst things about being human is happiness. Happiness is both straightforward and complex. Something that we spend our whole lives devoted to procuring without a second thought. It is easy to obtain but difficult to hold on to, just like the polish on a mirror.  We are ultimately afraid to lose it, and all that comes with it being lost.

Happiness is an amazing thing; I can be happy about getting a new book or watching a new movie but with time the joy I gain from it diminishes.  The temporary fix of happiness will only hold us for so long, and when we are looking up from the bottom of a well of emotion, it’s these small bursts that give us hope of getting free.

Perhaps it’s because I was at the bottom of one of these wells recently that I have gained perspective about what role happiness plays in my life. I tried to hit the happiness button as often as possible; I think we all do when we are feeling down or just want to forget about the life we are leading.  Never wanting to leave the things that keep the storming emotions at bay.  Life begins to revolve around the button, never straying too far from it for fear you could lose it.

Happiness keeps us moving, growing, and adapting since pleasure will start to diminish each time go to flip the switch.  Each time not as powerful as before, the only solution is to either throw ourselves headlong as to suck up all the happiness from this particular activity or change where we get the joy.   It becomes a search for happiness switches, to the point of obsession, thinking that the accumulation of these powers will free us from the darkness within.

I can attest that that is where my mind jumped to, wanting to preserve the things in my life that made me happy. A simple demand of sorts, a never ceasing vacuum to deposit the happiness quota was unsustainable.  I found achieving happiness just as stressful as the negative feelings that hung over me.  I knew could move forward with feeding this monster for so long. I knew there had to be another way to be okay.

I began to build a foundation for myself, a raft to stand on in the tumultuous sea of emotion.  It is when I was pushing myself in other ways when my foundation took hold.  I found that happiness wasn’t necessarily what I wanted, just a byproduct of doing other things.  Ironically by foregoing my hunt for happiness and working on myself, I found happiness.  This lead me to a revelation.

Happiness is just a byproduct, a reaction to life.  It is one of the best feelings to experience along with love and achievement, but along with those two it can only be found as a byproduct or given as a gift. What I found was much more sustainable, being content.  Now, I am by no means saying that I found it by looking at my situation and accepting it, I found it by working at making my life better.  Each step I took the weight off before I knew it, I was free.  I realized that it wasn’t just negative emotions that were drowning me but emotions in general and with all things, too much of it can hinder us more than it helps.

Happiness is a great thing because it’s fleeting, something that we can get accustomed. Happiness is both tragic and beautiful; we can appreciate when it’s around and miss it when it’s gone.  I leave my happiness button at home because I know I will find small joys throughout the day.  It is in working towards something bigger that I am able to be okay. At the end, I am not devoted to happiness, but I will always smile when I find it.

The Awkward Sense Of Curiosity

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Ever wonder why curiosity killed the cat? I frequently do. Part of me thinks it found out something it shouldn’t and a gang of shady cats had to silence him. Or perhaps the reason could be tragic, like learning that everyone had been living a lie just to appease the cat. I know there is no answer, but it doesn’t stop me from asking the question.

It’s questions that get me into trouble, a trouble that I both love and hate. Constantly forming them in my mind, questions have a need for an answered. That is when the hunt begins, where will I find the answers?  Ordinarily this type of hunting is encouraged, accumulating knowledge is a good thing. Tracking down and capturing the answers has always been a joy of mine, one I hope to keep the duration of my life. There are road blocks, places I am not permitted to hunt.  As always that makes these places all the more appealing.  Hunting the questions that lay deep within the human heart. These answers I can’t find with a quick google search are the ones that are the most worthwhile to me. Of course, those are the ones that adults teach children not to ask.  If you have talked to me, you may think I missed that day in class. That’s where the trouble begins.

The unknown taunts me. When an event I don’t understand happens, I must know why.  People are full of these wonderful events.  That makes me want to know this history of people, what makes them tick.  All the little events that drive them motivate them to act. Their secrets form the missing pieces to the puzzle.  I start asking questions, simple ones at first, then they get more intrusive.  I have frequently apologized for prying, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a dangling candy in front of my eyes; I will reach for it.  I am curious by nature and in that respect a glutton for knowledge. A lot of the time,  I just want to know.

I went on an information diet, becoming satiated with smaller amounts of answers.  Learning about people has helped with this process. Allowing me to connect open pieces of people’s lives creating a portrait of who they are. Seeing how different colors set the tones of life.  A painting that will only finish when there is no more time to paint.

I think about people all day, asking why.  I have come to grips with the fact that I am a psychology nut, but it is my great passion, the great hunt of my life, one I will pursue to the ends of the earth and that makes me happy.

My (Millennial) Generation

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I was in Personality Psychology class when the teacher had a little musing about California choosing a quite confusing piece of legislation that attempted to do away losing and make kids have better self-esteem which now has adults accusing this (my) generation of cruising.

Now, I have never been one to associate with a lot of my classmates but regarding this debate of how we equate to generations that tend to throw hate,  I have to take the bait and state that we may frustrate all those who wait for us to integrate and domesticate. The thing is our trait is to try and deny fate and operate in the way that will allow us to navigate the society that we create.

Though I can’t deny that we amplify the problems we have and that we do magnify the things that don’t seem to matter. On the other hand, we do not stand idly by to when it comes to demystifying and indemnifying the problems laid upon us.   Though we are young, we at least work to clarify all that we need to rectify to in some ways we purify the system and all of its problems.

We are a young generation, filled the brim with electronic temptation. Our biggest complication is our unwavering desire for confrontation with the previous generation. We want a type of reformation to occur in this great nation before we can even think about respiration.

I am afraid that we deny aid and when we make progress things will simple retrograde. It is foolish to try and barricade ourselves in a crusade that involves nothing more than a tirade. What we should do is sharpen our blade in the art of persuading so that we evade the cascade of the dismayed.  We are portrayed as little more than a charade, and until we dissuade that notion, it will be like eating nightshade.  It’s more about working on wading through the masquerade so that others will be swayed.

I know what we do seems silly, but really, we are working towards a better future.

No one knows how the future will juxtapose what we do with what gets done.  So I suppose that we have to wait for life’s dominoes to disclose how it goes.  So before I exit the throws of prose I want to enclose my woes about lows of my generation. I would personally dispose of all the complaining that arose over not being superimposed when we reached adulthood. I feel like we hit it on the nose the economy froze, and we composed a story about the close of our future opportunities. I propose we impose new ideas that will help everyone at the end of the day.

My (Millenial) Generation is coming to play.  Now I know we usually don’t stay in one place but if I can keep the complaints at bay when I say, that today we are trying to light the way so people won’t have to pay for the problems of yesterday.  Please all this little display to grant leeway for us to purvey the dreams without delay.

 

 

A Small Pause

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I’ve come up on some small pauses in between the hustle and bustle my life has taken on. I wanted to take a moment to both see how far I have come and to see how much farther I must go.

One thing I must recognize is that without the help and support of others, I couldn’t have gotten this far, for that I am eternally grateful and in the same respect humbled. Life has a way of dishing out hard lessons and being a fan of knowledge; I have made sure how to take note.  I have set myself onto a path that I feel will bring about real and helpful change for the rest of my life, one that I could not have come to without the trials and tribulations of yesterday.

I plan to keep at what I have been doing, keeping busy with making myself a better, stronger, and well-rounded individual. It’s through learning about willpower, and discipline that I have been able to make more strides towards that goal. Creating healthy and robust habits to build the foundation for more success in the future.  I will get to where I want to go; the path is unknown, but the destination is something I will continue to chase.

There are my shortfalls, places where I know I can do better.  I try to be as self-aware as possible, but even that has its moments of obliviousness.  I am in a way trying to overcome, but I will need help.  So in that respect, let me know if there is some area I can do better in, and how you would suggest I do so.

It’s in these small moments, the pauses, which I can see both how far I have gone and how far I have left to go. I am in the middle of a journey, and I am learning every step of the way.  I stop to look at the beauty of the world around me, to take in all its treasures.  Soon I will have to get going again, for I am not yet done.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Back To Basics – Beginning Of Writing Exercises

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I have been reading a lot lately,  in doing so, I feel like I have been able to improve my writing prowess. That was until I started reading a book about writing. The book “A Sense Of Style” is an interesting read, gave me some important insight on the mechanics of writing. What I did realize in reading this book is that my grasp of the English language is subpar. It’s more like a parrot copying a phrase than actual understanding of language.  My ability to write well will be essential where I want to go in life and is a necessary for improving my prospects. So I decided that the only way to improve was to work at it. Go back to simple basic mechanics and work my way up.  My hope is to post different lessons I learn in engaging ways that will be both fun to read and thought-provoking. I will keep improving, and as time goes on, this creative space will be used as a record of how far I’ve come. Thank you for reading, and let me know any writing tips or tricks you may know.

Child Of The World

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My sister and I were born as an amalgamation of an amalgamation.  Born unto parents who were combinations of two very different cultures and ethnicities.  Ironically the mix of cultures led to a weakening of a culture’s hold on our lives.  We lived at the crossroads of many different ways of life, which prompt us to learn many different things about many different people but not live fully one way. In its wake, it confused me about what I am and who I should I identify.  In some ways, I was washed clean of the burden that accompanies tradition and practice, but left on the barren shore of what was left.

There are no accounts that I say I am not American, though my level of patriotism is nothing to be envied. Living out the common traditions, and American holidays entirely, I, for the most part, have always identified as white (because I look, act, and sound that way).  I don’t know if I was ever given much of a choice in the matter, but I have nothing to complain about because it’s a good position to be in.  There is an unequivocal pull, to understand my Latin roots and in some part identify with them. Though that is a bit harder, because it involves much more than blood, it is experience, a way of thinking and acting.  My sister had always been much better than I was at pulling this off, having been willing to plunge herself into the customs and traditions of the groups she wants to identify. To me, on the other hand, I choose just to surprise people when I tell them that I am in some part Hispanic. This extended into sporting events, never feeling impassioned to root for the home team, or really pay any mind to sports I learned enough to get by and I do enjoy them but I will definitely not live and die over the a loss like some greater sports fanatics.

Strangely enough, I have always enjoyed the role of observer. Seeing culture and learning from them as a way to accommodate part of them as part of myself.  It is an interesting road to follow, a way of life that certainly has its trials and tribulations.  By not being born with a deeply ingrained cultural background I can become a chimera of culture.  Implementing what I would like from what I experience.  Though it can be a lonesome road, being never fully part of one group so not benefiting from the community that culture a lot of the time employs, it is the one I choose.

My goal for this is to become a child of the world in which I reside.  Someone who can walk all the planes of this planet and feel at home.  To collect culture within myself so I can pass on a wisdom about how out there in the world there are a million ways to live life.  Learn about how the people make do with that they have and most importantly learn how to live a good life.

It is my hope that this combination with my amalgamation will lead to the creation of culture beyond limitations.

 

By Comparison

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I think there is some lack of understanding on my part. Another part of my journey through life comes with a lesson I am having a hard time comprehending. Let me lay it out for people, so maybe someone can help me understand the answer.

From the get go, having siblings, especially older ones, is a hard thing for a few of reasons.  First, your parents are already tired. Second, though it’s an exciting new world for you, it’s not new to them, so it’s less exciting. Lastly, you will live in the shadow of what the other older child has done. Now,  this is not in any way a complaint of being born second, it has its perks. No, this is about that comparison.

My sister in some ways was a bar in which I was to reach. In school, friends, and extracurriculars I wanted to be something greater than the bar that came before. My sister, I believe, when we were younger could sense this, and in some ways played into it.  I can honestly say that my sister was much better at academics than I was, always pulling off better than average grades while I was studying just to get by.  The comparison ended though when we went in different directions in life, and comparisons couldn’t happen. Though I do like to tease her about my early completion from college, at the end of the day she was more prepared for what was on the other side.

My comparison had changed, it moved to friends, peers, and upperclassmen. Anyone and everyone, I compared to judge my distance, my strength, my abilities. Not a good way of doing things at the end of the day but it has kept me motivated for a long time. Seeing others move forward with their lives compelled me to figure out how to takes steps in the right direction.  It’s a frustration that I have, one that quells inside me and tells me to keep moving because I could be falling behind, one to teach me the discipline I need to get what I want to out of life.

It seems, though, that when I have come upon failure and I talk about how I am falling behind my peers in some ways that I should not compare myself to them.  That given the difference in path, situation, and lifestyle that I should not make those kinds of comparisons.

Why?

I don’t understand this point.  I compare to know the direction, I compare to motivate myself, I compare to foster greater things out of myself. Yes, it does bring me turmoil when I am not living up to these milestones, but great elation when I feel like I am moving according to the right track. Competition can bring out that extra energy to make good things great. Yeah, of course, I sometimes I don’t make it to the checkpoint in the time I want, but it keeps me pushing. I even compete against the person I was yesterday, a year ago, and the person I will be tomorrow. Working to live as purposefully as possible. People are social animals, we compare anything and everything, it’s dangerous in excess but its the easiest and most effective way we do things.

What am I to do? How to I improve without these comparisons. I do have goals and work to achieve them. I learn lessons from the world, from books, and from movies.  I know how I want to be. I have the people I want to be like in the back of my mind. I know who I don’t want to be, how I don’t want to act, and where I don’t want to go.

I do look to others for improvement, use people as a reflection of who I am. I know I have to deal with who I see in the mirror but it helps when I know I am backed up by others. I know to truly be someone of virtue and value I must learn not to pay any mind to the status of others  Life is not a race so I shouldn’t feel like I am competing.

If you have an answer of how not to compare, please tell me.

And if you know any way I can become a better person or even how I can learn not to be a bad person please let me know.

Title: “Conscious Commitment” Or Maybe “Decisions, Decisions”… Or “How To Stick With Choices”

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I’ve noticed when looking back at things that I have a hard time with commitment.  Now, I am not referring to  the relationships sense but when it comes to what I am doing and where I am going. Let me explain.

I find myself often battling with decisions, trying to take the route that will make it, so I don’t lose out on the possibilities of the future. That sometimes looks good on paper, but it’s like committing myself to something that hasn’t even happened yet.  It’s a hesitation that stews in my mind of closing making me refuse to close doors that may be better options for me to choose but hasn’t opened yet. This coupled with my bad habit of over thinking everything; nothing gets done.

This level of indecision is problematic, for obvious reasons.  If I don’t invest in anything, how am I suppose to get further in life? It’s as if I want to continue to with at beginner level because specializing can lead me down the wrong path.  It is a fear of mine, making the wrong decision. It comes with all worries and strife of not living the life I want to, always wanting to get that last piece of information that may tip the scales.   When I was younger, my parents taught me that” indecision itself is a decision” which ironically made me have to consider one more thing.  It is in my mind that I feel general hesitation.  I have a notion of that it is safer for me to walk the neutral road.  I realized, though, this path doesn’t lead anywhere, without commitment, the way is ugly, and the choices I have are fewer and are more circumstantial than purposeful. Everything then becomes a half measure, never putting myself out there to follow through with anything.

My mind feels this general hesitation throughout.  I have a notion of that it is safer for me to walk the neutral road.  I realized, though, this path doesn’t lead anywhere, without commitment, the way is ugly, and the choices I have are fewer and are more circumstantial than purposeful.

I decided that I have gotten far enough without making these kinds of hesitations; I need to make decisions, follow a path.  I know some paths lead to dead ends or tough times but if I am afraid that I won’t make it through at the end of the day, then what does it say about how much faith I have in myself.

Sometimes I have to go out on that wire, above the three ring circus, above the lion tamer and the flame eaters, above the crowd and walk the string held in the sky remembering all those days of practice and hard work. If I don’t, I’ll condemn myself to permanently being a spectator rather than a performer and never understand what it means to commit. Always wondering why I didn’t become something more.

My whole hearted solution I have found for the moment is giving myself deadlines. A time frame in which I have to adhere.  It has been a tough battle to practice this discipline, and far from perfect, but it has helped me feel like I am starting to move forward.  Choosing something and sticking with it, knowing it is okay to change my mind if new information presents itself.  The second thing I have determined to do is to act, act on what I know, instead of waiting to see if better information presents itself, knowing that being wrong is okay and part of life. No more half measures.

“On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died.”

– Sam Ewing

The “Special” Drug

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Trouble I called the idea that started to take root in my mind without me realizing. A small thought, that took root in my brain and as it began to sprout I was at its mercy. It controlled my thought but at the time, I nourished it, this budding thought weed had grown out of control, cutting off parts of my mind which had learned a bit of wisdom about people of the world and myself. It cut off the pure belief and intentions, throwing me into an infinite cycle of madness disguised as correct ideology. The weed’s actual name was “special” and here is my journey to save my brain.

Now to preface this isn’t some existential crisis, in fact just the opposite.

As I had said before I didn’t know when it took root, this idea that I am special, that I am different and that I have something that other people don’t so I should have that reflect in my day to day life. When it came time to realize what had sprouted, it was a small sapling.  It looked as though it was harmless but it always felt good to feel as if that the world has some grander purpose for me. Things were going well, that was for sure, so it was easy to feed this idea that once everything is said and done, I will rise to the top.

It was like a pill, taking it on the regular, to make myself feel like I could do anything because I am me, and only because I am me. The problem with these types of thoughts is when times start to get hard, my mind races to take the drug, to feel special, to feel more than what I am doing. It’s a way to be beyond my means even in meager situations. My lofty dreams became so tied up in this pill, that I believed that only I am the one who can accomplish it.

When something happens to go against this particular feeling, it crushed me. A sense that I deserve more, that I can and should do more.  Life has a funny way of not giving you want but giving you what you need. What I needed was a wake-up call, being put in a situation where I can’t help but feel like I am wasting away, wasting my potential, and feeling like I would not amount to anyone. I had lost the drug and withdrawal set in.Looking to feel special right and left, I had to make excuses to get me through the day. Trying to build a pedestal to sit on but left with nothing to stand.

It brings about a question of my limits, where was I was going, what was I doing. If I lost the thing that made me special, then by what right did, I have to dream. Where did I belong, and what can I aspire to, if I am not special am I doomed to live this normal life that I disdain the very thought.  I kept fighting it, this less grandiose lifestyle that I had found myself. Why was it that I couldn’t make what I wanted to happen?

Wallowing in this empty field that the weed decimated finally gave way to a different kind of understanding. I am normal, like everyone else.  I have the same thoughts and feelings, the same inclination, worries, and needs.  The idea I was magical from the get-go was merely a way to make myself feel better. I am human, just like the seven billion other people on this earth.  I may live a very differently life than those around me, but it is these experiences that make me who I am.  It was something I learned long ago, something that I needed to relearn through this experience.  It’s a freeing and very humbling thought.

Truthfully when I look around now I see great things now, the greatness within other people, the idea that we anything we put our mind to.  I see the past in which people pushed beyond themselves to create great things. Artists who create masterpieces, engineers who create bridges and buildings, scientists who create cures for ailments. Pushing past the limits, one step at a time, to bring our world into a new age. It’s these parameters in which I define myself has changed.

Accepting that I am ordinary makes me feel limitless. I  look around at my peers and see all the great things they are doing, know that with hard work and perseverance I could follow that path as well.  Utilizing the very humanity within me and everything we are capable of I can push past the limits of the past and look to the future to conquer the next mountain in the sake of being average. At the end of the day, I am normal, and I believe that anyone is capable of anything they put their mind to, for better or for worse. Everyone is capable of this greatness. With that thought in tow, I am free to be all that I can be.

Truly limitless.

Am I Connected Now?

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One of the things I have come to an understanding of is that I want to connect.  The problem is I don’t know which way to do it. I don’t understand how I want to reach out and interact with people.  How do I fill my heart with the connections that come from other people and what exactly do I need? How will I know if it’s enough to sustain me?

I have been building in the last couple months connections that I hope to keep. Trying put myself out there, trying to gain what I had lost from before. As with everything recently it doesn’t feel like enough.  There is always more I can do, more connections I can create and foster. My heart feels better through the links I have made, but not full.

There is a yearning that I have, deep within me to fill my life with people that I just can’t help but talk into the night.  Fill them with the people who, when I look down at my phone and realize it’s already well past midnight, and it looks like there is no end in sight.

My memory floods with these experiences, most of them coming from the various girlfriends I have had. I have thought about that, is that I want? Another romantic relationship to fill that space, to have that person who has that sense of intimacy. I have thought about this for some time. It would be the easiest way to fill my heart, but it’s not actually what I want.

I realize this because there is so much in my life that I need to change, that I still need to grow and climb towards my goals. I know that if that were to happen if someone would come along and see this person of who I am, and take in my situation without a secondary thought, would probably be the worst thing for me. I will grow complacent, quickly become unmotivated to keep marching forward. No, what I want is that connection, where I feel, inspires me to keep moving forward.

How do I find these links? How do I foster them? I am thankful for all the relationships I have and want to continue fertilizing those connections, so they grow bigger and stronger. How do I get out there to connect, find more places to be able to meet these new people with similar interests so that I can grow deep, meaningful relationships?

I’m still learning, and maybe at the end of the day I can be satisfied with what I have, which by some accounts is a lot. My heart knows it can stretch out further, and ultimately I have to follow my heart.