The “Special” Drug

Trouble I called the idea that started to take root in my mind without me realizing. A small thought, that took root in my brain and as it began to sprout I was at its mercy. It controlled my thought but at the time, I nourished it, this budding thought weed had grown out of control, cutting off parts of my mind which had learned a bit of wisdom about people of the world and myself. It cut off the pure belief and intentions, throwing me into an infinite cycle of madness disguised as correct ideology. The weed’s actual name was “special” and here is my journey to save my brain.

Now to preface this isn’t some existential crisis, in fact just the opposite.

As I had said before I didn’t know when it took root, this idea that I am special, that I am different and that I have something that other people don’t so I should have that reflect in my day to day life. When it came time to realize what had sprouted, it was a small sapling.  It looked as though it was harmless but it always felt good to feel as if that the world has some grander purpose for me. Things were going well, that was for sure, so it was easy to feed this idea that once everything is said and done, I will rise to the top.

It was like a pill, taking it on the regular, to make myself feel like I could do anything because I am me, and only because I am me. The problem with these types of thoughts is when times start to get hard, my mind races to take the drug, to feel special, to feel more than what I am doing. It’s a way to be beyond my means even in meager situations. My lofty dreams became so tied up in this pill, that I believed that only I am the one who can accomplish it.

When something happens to go against this particular feeling, it crushed me. A sense that I deserve more, that I can and should do more.  Life has a funny way of not giving you want but giving you what you need. What I needed was a wake-up call, being put in a situation where I can’t help but feel like I am wasting away, wasting my potential, and feeling like I would not amount to anyone. I had lost the drug and withdrawal set in.Looking to feel special right and left, I had to make excuses to get me through the day. Trying to build a pedestal to sit on but left with nothing to stand.

It brings about a question of my limits, where was I was going, what was I doing. If I lost the thing that made me special, then by what right did, I have to dream. Where did I belong, and what can I aspire to, if I am not special am I doomed to live this normal life that I disdain the very thought.  I kept fighting it, this less grandiose lifestyle that I had found myself. Why was it that I couldn’t make what I wanted to happen?

Wallowing in this empty field that the weed decimated finally gave way to a different kind of understanding. I am normal, like everyone else.  I have the same thoughts and feelings, the same inclination, worries, and needs.  The idea I was magical from the get-go was merely a way to make myself feel better. I am human, just like the seven billion other people on this earth.  I may live a very differently life than those around me, but it is these experiences that make me who I am.  It was something I learned long ago, something that I needed to relearn through this experience.  It’s a freeing and very humbling thought.

Truthfully when I look around now I see great things now, the greatness within other people, the idea that we anything we put our mind to.  I see the past in which people pushed beyond themselves to create great things. Artists who create masterpieces, engineers who create bridges and buildings, scientists who create cures for ailments. Pushing past the limits, one step at a time, to bring our world into a new age. It’s these parameters in which I define myself has changed.

Accepting that I am ordinary makes me feel limitless. I  look around at my peers and see all the great things they are doing, know that with hard work and perseverance I could follow that path as well.  Utilizing the very humanity within me and everything we are capable of I can push past the limits of the past and look to the future to conquer the next mountain in the sake of being average. At the end of the day, I am normal, and I believe that anyone is capable of anything they put their mind to, for better or for worse. Everyone is capable of this greatness. With that thought in tow, I am free to be all that I can be.

Truly limitless.

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