I’ve noticed when looking back at things that I have a hard time with commitment.  Now, I am not referring to  the relationships sense but when it comes to what I am doing and where I am going. Let me explain.

I find myself often battling with decisions, trying to take the route that will make it, so I don’t lose out on the possibilities of the future. That sometimes looks good on paper, but it’s like committing myself to something that hasn’t even happened yet.  It’s a hesitation that stews in my mind of closing making me refuse to close doors that may be better options for me to choose but hasn’t opened yet. This coupled with my bad habit of over thinking everything; nothing gets done.

This level of indecision is problematic, for obvious reasons.  If I don’t invest in anything, how am I suppose to get further in life? It’s as if I want to continue to with at beginner level because specializing can lead me down the wrong path.  It is a fear of mine, making the wrong decision. It comes with all worries and strife of not living the life I want to, always wanting to get that last piece of information that may tip the scales.   When I was younger, my parents taught me that” indecision itself is a decision” which ironically made me have to consider one more thing.  It is in my mind that I feel general hesitation.  I have a notion of that it is safer for me to walk the neutral road.  I realized, though, this path doesn’t lead anywhere, without commitment, the way is ugly, and the choices I have are fewer and are more circumstantial than purposeful. Everything then becomes a half measure, never putting myself out there to follow through with anything.

My mind feels this general hesitation throughout.  I have a notion of that it is safer for me to walk the neutral road.  I realized, though, this path doesn’t lead anywhere, without commitment, the way is ugly, and the choices I have are fewer and are more circumstantial than purposeful.

I decided that I have gotten far enough without making these kinds of hesitations; I need to make decisions, follow a path.  I know some paths lead to dead ends or tough times but if I am afraid that I won’t make it through at the end of the day, then what does it say about how much faith I have in myself.

Sometimes I have to go out on that wire, above the three ring circus, above the lion tamer and the flame eaters, above the crowd and walk the string held in the sky remembering all those days of practice and hard work. If I don’t, I’ll condemn myself to permanently being a spectator rather than a performer and never understand what it means to commit. Always wondering why I didn’t become something more.

My whole hearted solution I have found for the moment is giving myself deadlines. A time frame in which I have to adhere.  It has been a tough battle to practice this discipline, and far from perfect, but it has helped me feel like I am starting to move forward.  Choosing something and sticking with it, knowing it is okay to change my mind if new information presents itself.  The second thing I have determined to do is to act, act on what I know, instead of waiting to see if better information presents itself, knowing that being wrong is okay and part of life. No more half measures.

“On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died.”

– Sam Ewing