One of the things I have come to an understanding of is that I want to connect.  The problem is I don’t know which way to do it. I don’t understand how I want to reach out and interact with people.  How do I fill my heart with the connections that come from other people and what exactly do I need? How will I know if it’s enough to sustain me?

I have been building in the last couple months connections that I hope to keep. Trying put myself out there, trying to gain what I had lost from before. As with everything recently it doesn’t feel like enough.  There is always more I can do, more connections I can create and foster. My heart feels better through the links I have made, but not full.

There is a yearning that I have, deep within me to fill my life with people that I just can’t help but talk into the night.  Fill them with the people who, when I look down at my phone and realize it’s already well past midnight, and it looks like there is no end in sight.

My memory floods with these experiences, most of them coming from the various girlfriends I have had. I have thought about that, is that I want? Another romantic relationship to fill that space, to have that person who has that sense of intimacy. I have thought about this for some time. It would be the easiest way to fill my heart, but it’s not actually what I want.

I realize this because there is so much in my life that I need to change, that I still need to grow and climb towards my goals. I know that if that were to happen if someone would come along and see this person of who I am, and take in my situation without a secondary thought, would probably be the worst thing for me. I will grow complacent, quickly become unmotivated to keep marching forward. No, what I want is that connection, where I feel, inspires me to keep moving forward.

How do I find these links? How do I foster them? I am thankful for all the relationships I have and want to continue fertilizing those connections, so they grow bigger and stronger. How do I get out there to connect, find more places to be able to meet these new people with similar interests so that I can grow deep, meaningful relationships?

I’m still learning, and maybe at the end of the day I can be satisfied with what I have, which by some accounts is a lot. My heart knows it can stretch out further, and ultimately I have to follow my heart.