I wanted to preface this post by saying that this post I wrote over a year and a half ago and just never got around to publishing because it had no real conclusion. The post reflects my feelings in a darker time, and it was inspired by a sense of hopelessness that came about from reflecting on both the end of a relationship and the fear the knowledge of the numerous reasons I was left behind. The reason I am posting this now because it fits the philosophy of why I started this blog in the first place, to both practice writing and to open myself up and talk about all myself.  I have found my answer which I write at the end, but without the journey, I can’t have come to the conclusion.

This mad dash towards the truth, to know, to learn this insatiable appetite that pushes me forward. Finding out about people, things, and places. How the cogs turn in this great machine that we built together.  Many have found this pursuit of knowledge to be crippling, dark and foreboding.  It has a way of changing people, making people cynical towards our fellow man. The more they find the twists and turns, the realization that people will not do the thing you think is best no matter how much you talk to them.  The actions were taken in the shadow, or even worse the done in the light for everyone to see. It sometimes feels like opening Pandora’s box and releasing the final scourge upon the earth, the antithesis of hope.

I see people become jaded, learn to hate and despise one another.  A lot of what psychology says about people is that they will do things to lessen punishment and maximize reward. Find ways to make the world better for them, to cope with their surroundings and when those surroundings clash, the meeting of these two opposite winds create tornadoes for all to see. Destroying and constructing building debris for all to see. People become “realists” seeing people as they are. Creating briefly illusions that manifest themselves as the worst part of someone, the worst way they can act. Seeing this person as a devil or a demon in human skin, here to rid you of your happiness and joy.  It is easy to lose hope when it feels like no one cares and everyone is out on their own. The coldness that would seep in is unbearable, finding that even wrapping yourselves in clothes will not remove that chill.

I can’t believe that. I want to know better. I think people aren’t just out there to ruin lives, but perhaps I am wrong. The heart beating in my chest calls out to bring things up to a higher calling. A seminal feeling that leads me to hope, makes me walk through the storms.  Calls for me to confront these actions give the reasons and know how to show that there is no boogie man. I am human like everyone else, no better, no worse. I do things because I that’s how I learned to.

I am lost in this.

I found my answer; I wish I had been more solid in it before it became something I had to face.  It doesn’t matter if  I am right if I can guess the outcome or foresee the future, its what we do with that knowledge that makes the difference.  I found out I was right, that some of the reasons I had feared about the end of my relationship came to pass, but with that came an understanding. An understanding that knowing and reflecting on this doesn’t give me peace. Its being able to let go and forgive which reflection brings, that give me peace.  What use is being able to see the future and not be able to change it? Live I now in the present and focus on what have because if I don’t I’ll miss out on all the people and things who are absolutely beautiful around me.