learning

Nostalgia: A Pain I Can’t Get Rid Of

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Dreams, I have been having dreams filled with people and things I don’t want to think about. The problem is not that they are bad dreams, quite the contrary, the dreams are so beautiful they hurt to have.

The thing that comes to mind is the idea of nostalgia, what I remember is a small speech from the show Madmen talking about its meaning.  It’s explained that it means a pain of an old wound. It is the combination of the two ancient Greek words meaning pain and homecoming. It was a description originally used to explain the feelings of Swiss mercenaries fighting away from home.  It’s a sense of melancholy that I can’t escape.

This pain that I’ve gotten used to, a hurt that will go away as long as I don’t think about it but I can’t help but think about it. The wound is in my heart because it just wants to go home.  I have lost the home for my heart; I had given my heart away and when it was returned to me it was a foreign object.  It didn’t fit; it was treated warmly, but I didn’t know how to handle own heart. So it yearns for that, the cozy, comfortable space in which it grew.

My heart and I are attempting to understand each other.  We were apart for so long that we know that we have to spend some time together. I get familiar with what my heart wants and needs; the problem is the memories engraved on my heart.  The memories repeat the experiences of when it was treated well, when it was happy, when it was hurt, and when it was sad.  Like a record replaying over and over growing increasingly quiet as time goes on.

It’s the great unraveling of things, the desensitization of spirit.  The memory that begins as a situation and starts to turn into a story.  It hurts because of the memories and feelings of being so close for so long will eventually become nothing more than words.  The great human experience calls for us to keep moving forward if we want to survive and thrive.   So the memories will fade, and so will the pain. But it’s this feeling of nostalgia that allows me a glimpse of the experience, and is all that is left, but I know that too will erode with time becoming a memory of memory.

My mind and my heart are having a hard time with that; I can honestly say that it’s a pain that means something to me.  My heart is telling me its time to heal, telling me to wait until I am ready, it’s emptying out it contents, pain and all.

The pang of nostalgia.  I can’t get away from it, and the best thing to do is to have the feeling. Each one an echo of its former self.   Sometimes I want to deny the pain, the hurt so that the memory and feeling will linger a little bit longer, but I know that I have to let go. One day it will be gone, and my heart will be filled with other memories, but until then all I have are my dreams that are so beautiful they hurt.

Dream Catching

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Sorting through my memories this week, I found the beginning of one my great loves.  Sleeping over at a friends house, up late when with no one around. Laying in front of television that was playing the usual infomercials as the night pressed on. I changed the channel to Cartoon Network. The channel was showing its adult swim programming and stumbled up a marathon of a show called Bleach. I sat there in amazement of the show for hours as the episodes marched on accordingly.  When the marathon concluded at 6 am, I realized that I had found something that I would fall in love. Anime and Manga.

From that point on I spent countless hours delving into that world.  Summers would be spent watching and reading innumerable episodes and chapters.  Part of me thinks that all that time spent in front of a computer may have been the thing that forced me to wear glasses. Now from the outside, it can look a bit strange which it is understandable but with most things, it’s only strange until you see it.

What is the point of this love? For me, anime and manga allow me to dream and feel as if I were in a different world. It has a way of inspiring me to be better, trying harder, and pushing against the difficulties that I come across in my life. Living through the characters, dreaming of being as strong as they are, and realizing that I am the catalyst to my destiny are all things I learned by sifting through the material.

What is most important is that it grants me a kind of energy to dream big. To dream of being able to change the world. To dream about becoming something incredibly grand and grandiose. To dream about how magical the world is and how to appreciate the small things in life. When I get through the material, I am reinvigorated.

I use this energy to apply it my life as a force of change.  Coming with the power of the human spirit at my back, doing things that seemed impossible a few days ago are easy.  I think it’s important that people find that stuff in their life.  The thing that somehow give them energy even when it is effortful.  Something gives us more than what we put into it so we can use the result to make a real change in the world.

The things that foster the little infinitesimal thoughts to grow.  It provided me with hope and understanding of the world.  A way to relate and see the world differently than before. To make me feel like my heart will beat differently because of the point of view given.

Of course, it is silly, funny, dramatic, stupid, sad, hopeful, surprising, and scary – but at the end of the day, it makes me feel, think, and act.  It springs hope from within and allows me to believe in simple ideas have weight and should be pursued. That I can, and I should no matter the challenge.

I owe a lot to this love of mine, and its one of the things few things I get passionate about sharing with others. I realized that it is about finding those things and never letting go.  As I get older my love for anime and manga changes, it makes me afraid that my love will fade. I know that at least for now I have the dreams that it has given me.

A Comforting Struggle

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My legs radiate soreness; my eyes feel tired, the hours in the day aren’t enough to finish everything anymore.  I keep pushing, pursuing, and polishing myself until I give off an undeniable sheen.  Day to day, keep moving until I get to the end. I am always craving the comfort of the past.  Not knowing when I will be able to stop but afraid of stop because I’m not sure if I will be able to move again.

My situation has repeatedly been changing over months.  Foundations within and without requiring more and more of me.  Luckily, I have been in the process of growing and changing to meet these challenges, but each one cares away another of the comforts I knew in the past.  Routine sets in, the only way to squeeze all that I can from the day. But with each rinse and repeat, I find myself farther away from the person I was months ago.

Things I do become rationalized through the guise of growth; everything else is superfluous. I do take the time to keep my sanity.  Outside of time in which I spend with others, which is always worthwhile, I spend the rest of my day with nose to the grindstone.  The last vestiges of time where I sought comfort to hide from future come out as treats for having accomplished what I needed to throughout the day.

I have always believed in the strength and adaptability of human nature in that; I choose to find comfort in the struggle, the pressing of myself until I lay a solid foundation for the future. Find fuel in my frustrations, a seemingly inexhaustible variety.

It’s in this thought process that I am afraid that I will break, or not achieve all that I need to.  The burning idea of who I could be and what I can do versus what I am and what I do now drives me forward to this point.

I ask myself how long will my legs feel tired, how long will my eyes weigh heavy, how much longer until I get more hours in the day. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I can’t stop now, I have only just begun.

I keep going until I am called crazy, or ridiculous.  Until no one understands how I can keep going, not even myself.  It is only in these feats of incredible perseverance that I will know that I am half way there. It’s at this time that I will find the joy in my working and comfort in my struggle.

The Happy Button

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One of the greatest and worst things about being human is happiness. Happiness is both straightforward and complex. Something that we spend our whole lives devoted to procuring without a second thought. It is easy to obtain but difficult to hold on to, just like the polish on a mirror.  We are ultimately afraid to lose it, and all that comes with it being lost.

Happiness is an amazing thing; I can be happy about getting a new book or watching a new movie but with time the joy I gain from it diminishes.  The temporary fix of happiness will only hold us for so long, and when we are looking up from the bottom of a well of emotion, it’s these small bursts that give us hope of getting free.

Perhaps it’s because I was at the bottom of one of these wells recently that I have gained perspective about what role happiness plays in my life. I tried to hit the happiness button as often as possible; I think we all do when we are feeling down or just want to forget about the life we are leading.  Never wanting to leave the things that keep the storming emotions at bay.  Life begins to revolve around the button, never straying too far from it for fear you could lose it.

Happiness keeps us moving, growing, and adapting since pleasure will start to diminish each time go to flip the switch.  Each time not as powerful as before, the only solution is to either throw ourselves headlong as to suck up all the happiness from this particular activity or change where we get the joy.   It becomes a search for happiness switches, to the point of obsession, thinking that the accumulation of these powers will free us from the darkness within.

I can attest that that is where my mind jumped to, wanting to preserve the things in my life that made me happy. A simple demand of sorts, a never ceasing vacuum to deposit the happiness quota was unsustainable.  I found achieving happiness just as stressful as the negative feelings that hung over me.  I knew could move forward with feeding this monster for so long. I knew there had to be another way to be okay.

I began to build a foundation for myself, a raft to stand on in the tumultuous sea of emotion.  It is when I was pushing myself in other ways when my foundation took hold.  I found that happiness wasn’t necessarily what I wanted, just a byproduct of doing other things.  Ironically by foregoing my hunt for happiness and working on myself, I found happiness.  This lead me to a revelation.

Happiness is just a byproduct, a reaction to life.  It is one of the best feelings to experience along with love and achievement, but along with those two it can only be found as a byproduct or given as a gift. What I found was much more sustainable, being content.  Now, I am by no means saying that I found it by looking at my situation and accepting it, I found it by working at making my life better.  Each step I took the weight off before I knew it, I was free.  I realized that it wasn’t just negative emotions that were drowning me but emotions in general and with all things, too much of it can hinder us more than it helps.

Happiness is a great thing because it’s fleeting, something that we can get accustomed. Happiness is both tragic and beautiful; we can appreciate when it’s around and miss it when it’s gone.  I leave my happiness button at home because I know I will find small joys throughout the day.  It is in working towards something bigger that I am able to be okay. At the end, I am not devoted to happiness, but I will always smile when I find it.

The Awkward Sense Of Curiosity

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Ever wonder why curiosity killed the cat? I frequently do. Part of me thinks it found out something it shouldn’t and a gang of shady cats had to silence him. Or perhaps the reason could be tragic, like learning that everyone had been living a lie just to appease the cat. I know there is no answer, but it doesn’t stop me from asking the question.

It’s questions that get me into trouble, a trouble that I both love and hate. Constantly forming them in my mind, questions have a need for an answered. That is when the hunt begins, where will I find the answers?  Ordinarily this type of hunting is encouraged, accumulating knowledge is a good thing. Tracking down and capturing the answers has always been a joy of mine, one I hope to keep the duration of my life. There are road blocks, places I am not permitted to hunt.  As always that makes these places all the more appealing.  Hunting the questions that lay deep within the human heart. These answers I can’t find with a quick google search are the ones that are the most worthwhile to me. Of course, those are the ones that adults teach children not to ask.  If you have talked to me, you may think I missed that day in class. That’s where the trouble begins.

The unknown taunts me. When an event I don’t understand happens, I must know why.  People are full of these wonderful events.  That makes me want to know this history of people, what makes them tick.  All the little events that drive them motivate them to act. Their secrets form the missing pieces to the puzzle.  I start asking questions, simple ones at first, then they get more intrusive.  I have frequently apologized for prying, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a dangling candy in front of my eyes; I will reach for it.  I am curious by nature and in that respect a glutton for knowledge. A lot of the time,  I just want to know.

I went on an information diet, becoming satiated with smaller amounts of answers.  Learning about people has helped with this process. Allowing me to connect open pieces of people’s lives creating a portrait of who they are. Seeing how different colors set the tones of life.  A painting that will only finish when there is no more time to paint.

I think about people all day, asking why.  I have come to grips with the fact that I am a psychology nut, but it is my great passion, the great hunt of my life, one I will pursue to the ends of the earth and that makes me happy.

My (Millennial) Generation

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I was in Personality Psychology class when the teacher had a little musing about California choosing a quite confusing piece of legislation that attempted to do away losing and make kids have better self-esteem which now has adults accusing this (my) generation of cruising.

Now, I have never been one to associate with a lot of my classmates but regarding this debate of how we equate to generations that tend to throw hate,  I have to take the bait and state that we may frustrate all those who wait for us to integrate and domesticate. The thing is our trait is to try and deny fate and operate in the way that will allow us to navigate the society that we create.

Though I can’t deny that we amplify the problems we have and that we do magnify the things that don’t seem to matter. On the other hand, we do not stand idly by to when it comes to demystifying and indemnifying the problems laid upon us.   Though we are young, we at least work to clarify all that we need to rectify to in some ways we purify the system and all of its problems.

We are a young generation, filled the brim with electronic temptation. Our biggest complication is our unwavering desire for confrontation with the previous generation. We want a type of reformation to occur in this great nation before we can even think about respiration.

I am afraid that we deny aid and when we make progress things will simple retrograde. It is foolish to try and barricade ourselves in a crusade that involves nothing more than a tirade. What we should do is sharpen our blade in the art of persuading so that we evade the cascade of the dismayed.  We are portrayed as little more than a charade, and until we dissuade that notion, it will be like eating nightshade.  It’s more about working on wading through the masquerade so that others will be swayed.

I know what we do seems silly, but really, we are working towards a better future.

No one knows how the future will juxtapose what we do with what gets done.  So I suppose that we have to wait for life’s dominoes to disclose how it goes.  So before I exit the throws of prose I want to enclose my woes about lows of my generation. I would personally dispose of all the complaining that arose over not being superimposed when we reached adulthood. I feel like we hit it on the nose the economy froze, and we composed a story about the close of our future opportunities. I propose we impose new ideas that will help everyone at the end of the day.

My (Millenial) Generation is coming to play.  Now I know we usually don’t stay in one place but if I can keep the complaints at bay when I say, that today we are trying to light the way so people won’t have to pay for the problems of yesterday.  Please all this little display to grant leeway for us to purvey the dreams without delay.

 

 

A Small Pause

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I’ve come up on some small pauses in between the hustle and bustle my life has taken on. I wanted to take a moment to both see how far I have come and to see how much farther I must go.

One thing I must recognize is that without the help and support of others, I couldn’t have gotten this far, for that I am eternally grateful and in the same respect humbled. Life has a way of dishing out hard lessons and being a fan of knowledge; I have made sure how to take note.  I have set myself onto a path that I feel will bring about real and helpful change for the rest of my life, one that I could not have come to without the trials and tribulations of yesterday.

I plan to keep at what I have been doing, keeping busy with making myself a better, stronger, and well-rounded individual. It’s through learning about willpower, and discipline that I have been able to make more strides towards that goal. Creating healthy and robust habits to build the foundation for more success in the future.  I will get to where I want to go; the path is unknown, but the destination is something I will continue to chase.

There are my shortfalls, places where I know I can do better.  I try to be as self-aware as possible, but even that has its moments of obliviousness.  I am in a way trying to overcome, but I will need help.  So in that respect, let me know if there is some area I can do better in, and how you would suggest I do so.

It’s in these small moments, the pauses, which I can see both how far I have gone and how far I have left to go. I am in the middle of a journey, and I am learning every step of the way.  I stop to look at the beauty of the world around me, to take in all its treasures.  Soon I will have to get going again, for I am not yet done.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Back To Basics – Beginning Of Writing Exercises

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I have been reading a lot lately,  in doing so, I feel like I have been able to improve my writing prowess. That was until I started reading a book about writing. The book “A Sense Of Style” is an interesting read, gave me some important insight on the mechanics of writing. What I did realize in reading this book is that my grasp of the English language is subpar. It’s more like a parrot copying a phrase than actual understanding of language.  My ability to write well will be essential where I want to go in life and is a necessary for improving my prospects. So I decided that the only way to improve was to work at it. Go back to simple basic mechanics and work my way up.  My hope is to post different lessons I learn in engaging ways that will be both fun to read and thought-provoking. I will keep improving, and as time goes on, this creative space will be used as a record of how far I’ve come. Thank you for reading, and let me know any writing tips or tricks you may know.

Child Of The World

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My sister and I were born as an amalgamation of an amalgamation.  Born unto parents who were combinations of two very different cultures and ethnicities.  Ironically the mix of cultures led to a weakening of a culture’s hold on our lives.  We lived at the crossroads of many different ways of life, which prompt us to learn many different things about many different people but not live fully one way. In its wake, it confused me about what I am and who I should I identify.  In some ways, I was washed clean of the burden that accompanies tradition and practice, but left on the barren shore of what was left.

There are no accounts that I say I am not American, though my level of patriotism is nothing to be envied. Living out the common traditions, and American holidays entirely, I, for the most part, have always identified as white (because I look, act, and sound that way).  I don’t know if I was ever given much of a choice in the matter, but I have nothing to complain about because it’s a good position to be in.  There is an unequivocal pull, to understand my Latin roots and in some part identify with them. Though that is a bit harder, because it involves much more than blood, it is experience, a way of thinking and acting.  My sister had always been much better than I was at pulling this off, having been willing to plunge herself into the customs and traditions of the groups she wants to identify. To me, on the other hand, I choose just to surprise people when I tell them that I am in some part Hispanic. This extended into sporting events, never feeling impassioned to root for the home team, or really pay any mind to sports I learned enough to get by and I do enjoy them but I will definitely not live and die over the a loss like some greater sports fanatics.

Strangely enough, I have always enjoyed the role of observer. Seeing culture and learning from them as a way to accommodate part of them as part of myself.  It is an interesting road to follow, a way of life that certainly has its trials and tribulations.  By not being born with a deeply ingrained cultural background I can become a chimera of culture.  Implementing what I would like from what I experience.  Though it can be a lonesome road, being never fully part of one group so not benefiting from the community that culture a lot of the time employs, it is the one I choose.

My goal for this is to become a child of the world in which I reside.  Someone who can walk all the planes of this planet and feel at home.  To collect culture within myself so I can pass on a wisdom about how out there in the world there are a million ways to live life.  Learn about how the people make do with that they have and most importantly learn how to live a good life.

It is my hope that this combination with my amalgamation will lead to the creation of culture beyond limitations.

 

By Comparison

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I think there is some lack of understanding on my part. Another part of my journey through life comes with a lesson I am having a hard time comprehending. Let me lay it out for people, so maybe someone can help me understand the answer.

From the get go, having siblings, especially older ones, is a hard thing for a few of reasons.  First, your parents are already tired. Second, though it’s an exciting new world for you, it’s not new to them, so it’s less exciting. Lastly, you will live in the shadow of what the other older child has done. Now,  this is not in any way a complaint of being born second, it has its perks. No, this is about that comparison.

My sister in some ways was a bar in which I was to reach. In school, friends, and extracurriculars I wanted to be something greater than the bar that came before. My sister, I believe, when we were younger could sense this, and in some ways played into it.  I can honestly say that my sister was much better at academics than I was, always pulling off better than average grades while I was studying just to get by.  The comparison ended though when we went in different directions in life, and comparisons couldn’t happen. Though I do like to tease her about my early completion from college, at the end of the day she was more prepared for what was on the other side.

My comparison had changed, it moved to friends, peers, and upperclassmen. Anyone and everyone, I compared to judge my distance, my strength, my abilities. Not a good way of doing things at the end of the day but it has kept me motivated for a long time. Seeing others move forward with their lives compelled me to figure out how to takes steps in the right direction.  It’s a frustration that I have, one that quells inside me and tells me to keep moving because I could be falling behind, one to teach me the discipline I need to get what I want to out of life.

It seems, though, that when I have come upon failure and I talk about how I am falling behind my peers in some ways that I should not compare myself to them.  That given the difference in path, situation, and lifestyle that I should not make those kinds of comparisons.

Why?

I don’t understand this point.  I compare to know the direction, I compare to motivate myself, I compare to foster greater things out of myself. Yes, it does bring me turmoil when I am not living up to these milestones, but great elation when I feel like I am moving according to the right track. Competition can bring out that extra energy to make good things great. Yeah, of course, I sometimes I don’t make it to the checkpoint in the time I want, but it keeps me pushing. I even compete against the person I was yesterday, a year ago, and the person I will be tomorrow. Working to live as purposefully as possible. People are social animals, we compare anything and everything, it’s dangerous in excess but its the easiest and most effective way we do things.

What am I to do? How to I improve without these comparisons. I do have goals and work to achieve them. I learn lessons from the world, from books, and from movies.  I know how I want to be. I have the people I want to be like in the back of my mind. I know who I don’t want to be, how I don’t want to act, and where I don’t want to go.

I do look to others for improvement, use people as a reflection of who I am. I know I have to deal with who I see in the mirror but it helps when I know I am backed up by others. I know to truly be someone of virtue and value I must learn not to pay any mind to the status of others  Life is not a race so I shouldn’t feel like I am competing.

If you have an answer of how not to compare, please tell me.

And if you know any way I can become a better person or even how I can learn not to be a bad person please let me know.