My legs radiate soreness; my eyes feel tired, the hours in the day aren’t enough to finish everything anymore. I keep pushing, pursuing, and polishing myself until I give off an undeniable sheen. Day to day, keep moving until I get to the end. I am always craving the comfort of the past. Not knowing when I will be able to stop but afraid of stop because I’m not sure if I will be able to move again.
My situation has repeatedly been changing over months. Foundations within and without requiring more and more of me. Luckily, I have been in the process of growing and changing to meet these challenges, but each one cares away another of the comforts I knew in the past. Routine sets in, the only way to squeeze all that I can from the day. But with each rinse and repeat, I find myself farther away from the person I was months ago.
Things I do become rationalized through the guise of growth; everything else is superfluous. I do take the time to keep my sanity. Outside of time in which I spend with others, which is always worthwhile, I spend the rest of my day with nose to the grindstone. The last vestiges of time where I sought comfort to hide from future come out as treats for having accomplished what I needed to throughout the day.
I have always believed in the strength and adaptability of human nature in that; I choose to find comfort in the struggle, the pressing of myself until I lay a solid foundation for the future. Find fuel in my frustrations, a seemingly inexhaustible variety.
It’s in this thought process that I am afraid that I will break, or not achieve all that I need to. The burning idea of who I could be and what I can do versus what I am and what I do now drives me forward to this point.
I ask myself how long will my legs feel tired, how long will my eyes weigh heavy, how much longer until I get more hours in the day. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I can’t stop now, I have only just begun.
I keep going until I am called crazy, or ridiculous. Until no one understands how I can keep going, not even myself. It is only in these feats of incredible perseverance that I will know that I am half way there. It’s at this time that I will find the joy in my working and comfort in my struggle.