Author: fatesalchemist

A Comforting Struggle

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My legs radiate soreness; my eyes feel tired, the hours in the day aren’t enough to finish everything anymore.  I keep pushing, pursuing, and polishing myself until I give off an undeniable sheen.  Day to day, keep moving until I get to the end. I am always craving the comfort of the past.  Not knowing when I will be able to stop but afraid of stop because I’m not sure if I will be able to move again.

My situation has repeatedly been changing over months.  Foundations within and without requiring more and more of me.  Luckily, I have been in the process of growing and changing to meet these challenges, but each one cares away another of the comforts I knew in the past.  Routine sets in, the only way to squeeze all that I can from the day. But with each rinse and repeat, I find myself farther away from the person I was months ago.

Things I do become rationalized through the guise of growth; everything else is superfluous. I do take the time to keep my sanity.  Outside of time in which I spend with others, which is always worthwhile, I spend the rest of my day with nose to the grindstone.  The last vestiges of time where I sought comfort to hide from future come out as treats for having accomplished what I needed to throughout the day.

I have always believed in the strength and adaptability of human nature in that; I choose to find comfort in the struggle, the pressing of myself until I lay a solid foundation for the future. Find fuel in my frustrations, a seemingly inexhaustible variety.

It’s in this thought process that I am afraid that I will break, or not achieve all that I need to.  The burning idea of who I could be and what I can do versus what I am and what I do now drives me forward to this point.

I ask myself how long will my legs feel tired, how long will my eyes weigh heavy, how much longer until I get more hours in the day. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I can’t stop now, I have only just begun.

I keep going until I am called crazy, or ridiculous.  Until no one understands how I can keep going, not even myself.  It is only in these feats of incredible perseverance that I will know that I am half way there. It’s at this time that I will find the joy in my working and comfort in my struggle.

The 5-W’s and one H Way of Life – Fake Speech

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In moving forward in life, people ask themselves how to live properly. To answer this most important question we must investigate what language gives us.
We are given the tools from the way we ask questions; and each time we ask a question, we are getting one step closer to the truth we seek.

Starting with “What”. What do we want? What is there for us?  Determining what we want from the world should always be the first step. Getting this idea however vague starts to give us a path to tread. “What” is the gatekeeper, it starts us on this journey, and though it may change along the way, getting us moving is important.

Then comes “why”.  Why am I doing this? Why does it matter? “Why” is the motivation, the fuel behind the answer.  If you don’t have an answer for “why” or if the reply is weak, when you come across difficulties you will lose your way.  Reaching for the easy explanation instead of the right one, “why” is what inspires you and everyone to find the truth.

Next is “who”.  Who do I need to be to locate the answer? Who else can help me with my journey?  Identifying all the people you need to help will go a long way.  When faced with a vague path, it’s good to get as much help as possible. It is to recruit yourself, because if you’re not on board, then no one else will assist you along the way. It’s okay to ask for help; great things don’t happen without it.

In comes the duo “Where” and When”. Where does the answer lie? When should I get started? We are starting to get to more practical, setting plans. “Where” is important because it lays the groundwork for the plan we will make.  With “When” there are two things to think about how much fuel we still have to strike with our plan and when is the best time to act. Never leave something you can do today for tomorrow but if tomorrow is a better time for it because you can get more from tomorrow then today then we must wait.

Lastly, comes”How”. How do we find our answer? How do I get what I need to complete my quest?  Using how and making our plan specific and concrete to destroy the vagueness of early plans. Each actionable step makes it increasingly possible.  Detailing each step makes its that much more real.  Once we know “how” the rest is a matter of execution.

When all the questions are asked, the answer is will be close behind.  Finding a good life is different for everyone and the journey is too but as long as you are asking questions, then you will find your answer.

 

 

The Happy Button

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One of the greatest and worst things about being human is happiness. Happiness is both straightforward and complex. Something that we spend our whole lives devoted to procuring without a second thought. It is easy to obtain but difficult to hold on to, just like the polish on a mirror.  We are ultimately afraid to lose it, and all that comes with it being lost.

Happiness is an amazing thing; I can be happy about getting a new book or watching a new movie but with time the joy I gain from it diminishes.  The temporary fix of happiness will only hold us for so long, and when we are looking up from the bottom of a well of emotion, it’s these small bursts that give us hope of getting free.

Perhaps it’s because I was at the bottom of one of these wells recently that I have gained perspective about what role happiness plays in my life. I tried to hit the happiness button as often as possible; I think we all do when we are feeling down or just want to forget about the life we are leading.  Never wanting to leave the things that keep the storming emotions at bay.  Life begins to revolve around the button, never straying too far from it for fear you could lose it.

Happiness keeps us moving, growing, and adapting since pleasure will start to diminish each time go to flip the switch.  Each time not as powerful as before, the only solution is to either throw ourselves headlong as to suck up all the happiness from this particular activity or change where we get the joy.   It becomes a search for happiness switches, to the point of obsession, thinking that the accumulation of these powers will free us from the darkness within.

I can attest that that is where my mind jumped to, wanting to preserve the things in my life that made me happy. A simple demand of sorts, a never ceasing vacuum to deposit the happiness quota was unsustainable.  I found achieving happiness just as stressful as the negative feelings that hung over me.  I knew could move forward with feeding this monster for so long. I knew there had to be another way to be okay.

I began to build a foundation for myself, a raft to stand on in the tumultuous sea of emotion.  It is when I was pushing myself in other ways when my foundation took hold.  I found that happiness wasn’t necessarily what I wanted, just a byproduct of doing other things.  Ironically by foregoing my hunt for happiness and working on myself, I found happiness.  This lead me to a revelation.

Happiness is just a byproduct, a reaction to life.  It is one of the best feelings to experience along with love and achievement, but along with those two it can only be found as a byproduct or given as a gift. What I found was much more sustainable, being content.  Now, I am by no means saying that I found it by looking at my situation and accepting it, I found it by working at making my life better.  Each step I took the weight off before I knew it, I was free.  I realized that it wasn’t just negative emotions that were drowning me but emotions in general and with all things, too much of it can hinder us more than it helps.

Happiness is a great thing because it’s fleeting, something that we can get accustomed. Happiness is both tragic and beautiful; we can appreciate when it’s around and miss it when it’s gone.  I leave my happiness button at home because I know I will find small joys throughout the day.  It is in working towards something bigger that I am able to be okay. At the end, I am not devoted to happiness, but I will always smile when I find it.

The Awkward Sense Of Curiosity

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Ever wonder why curiosity killed the cat? I frequently do. Part of me thinks it found out something it shouldn’t and a gang of shady cats had to silence him. Or perhaps the reason could be tragic, like learning that everyone had been living a lie just to appease the cat. I know there is no answer, but it doesn’t stop me from asking the question.

It’s questions that get me into trouble, a trouble that I both love and hate. Constantly forming them in my mind, questions have a need for an answered. That is when the hunt begins, where will I find the answers?  Ordinarily this type of hunting is encouraged, accumulating knowledge is a good thing. Tracking down and capturing the answers has always been a joy of mine, one I hope to keep the duration of my life. There are road blocks, places I am not permitted to hunt.  As always that makes these places all the more appealing.  Hunting the questions that lay deep within the human heart. These answers I can’t find with a quick google search are the ones that are the most worthwhile to me. Of course, those are the ones that adults teach children not to ask.  If you have talked to me, you may think I missed that day in class. That’s where the trouble begins.

The unknown taunts me. When an event I don’t understand happens, I must know why.  People are full of these wonderful events.  That makes me want to know this history of people, what makes them tick.  All the little events that drive them motivate them to act. Their secrets form the missing pieces to the puzzle.  I start asking questions, simple ones at first, then they get more intrusive.  I have frequently apologized for prying, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a dangling candy in front of my eyes; I will reach for it.  I am curious by nature and in that respect a glutton for knowledge. A lot of the time,  I just want to know.

I went on an information diet, becoming satiated with smaller amounts of answers.  Learning about people has helped with this process. Allowing me to connect open pieces of people’s lives creating a portrait of who they are. Seeing how different colors set the tones of life.  A painting that will only finish when there is no more time to paint.

I think about people all day, asking why.  I have come to grips with the fact that I am a psychology nut, but it is my great passion, the great hunt of my life, one I will pursue to the ends of the earth and that makes me happy.

Writing Practice: With The Doctor

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Scene: Daytime. Hospital room. Man in bed, wrapped in bandages, connected to all sorts of different machines.  Dripping IV is the only sound that permeates the room. Nurse comes in to check on the patient
Door Opens and a nurse comes in to check on the patient; patient opens his eyes

Nurse: Are you awake Mr. Thompson?
Man: (looks over in confused recognition)
Nurse: Hold on Mr. Thompson, I’ll get the doctor.

Nurse exits and comes back with the doctor.
Doctor enters with the nurse.

Doctor: Mr. Thompson, I am Dr.  Belle, if it’s okay, may I perform a couple of tests to check for irregularities.
Mr. Thompson: Sure… I think…but why I’m here?

Doctor Looks at his chart. 

Doctor: You were in a car accident a few days ago. You were brought into the ICU with heavy cuts and bruises all over your body including your face and head.  You were unconscious and had multiple concussions by the time you arrived, and after you had been stabilized, we transferred you up here for monitoring.
Mr. Thompson: I.. didn’t understand all that. Things are a little bit fuzzy.
Doctor: That’s common for this type of injury. Let me finish the physical tests and we will see how much your mind is affected.
Mr. Thompson: Okay

The Doctor and nurse perform a myriad of tests on Mr. Thompson before sitting  down in a chair next to him right next to him with a clipboard

Doctor: Other than bruising and a couple of sprains you are doing  quite well.
Mr. Thompson: I certainly don’t feel well.
Doctor: I can imagine, but the pain should pass within the next couple of weeks. You had mentioned earlier that you were having trouble understanding me. I’m going to have you answer a couple of question.
Mr. Thompson: I will try…

The Doctor flips through some pages in his clipboard and finds the page he wants gets resumes looking at Mr. Thompson.

Doctor: These questions may sound trivial, but it’s important you answer them honestly. Do you know what a noun is?
Mr. Thompson: Of course, it’s a person, place, thing, or idea.
Doctor: And pronouns?
Mr. Thompson: A replacement for nouns when we don’t want to keep referencing the noun with itself.
Doctor: Good! How about a verb?
Mr. Thompson: A type of word that conveys action or state of being. These are very basic.
Doctor: I know, but it’s to see where you might have trouble. What is the difference between an adverb and an adjective?
Mr. Thompson: I think adjectives describe nouns and adverbs describe verbs.
Doctor: You think?
Mr. Thompson: No, I’m pretty sure.

The Doctor looks down and writes a few notes before flipping the page. Mr. Thompson sits up a little more in the bed to get more comfortable.

Doctor:  How about prepositions and conjunctions?
Mr. Thompson: Conjunction connects two things together with words like and:  prepositions are used to explain how two things relate in a sentence,  such as with words like between.
Doctor: That should be good enough for this part. I just have a couple more questions.

Mr. Thompson looks a bit tired from the questions. The doctor flips the page again. 

Doctor: Can you give tell me the difference between the determiners “the” and “a.”
Mr. Thompson: Determiner?
Doctor: Words used to give definition to nouns and reference them.
Mr. Thompson: Okay, let me think… “the” is referring to a particular object or group of things; setting it apart from others like it. “a” is referring to one of the population, but there is nothing special about it.
Doctor: Good! Last question. What is an interjection?
Mr. Thompson: um.. when you said “good!”.
Doctor: Hmm? Please explain a little more.
Mr. Thompson: An emotional greeting or exclamation.
Doctor: Great! Things look okay for now; you will do some more questions later because you sound like you’re ready to sleep. Let me know if you need anything and push the help button if you require assistance.
Mr. Thompson: Dr. Belle, thank you.
Doctor: You’re welcome Mr. Thompson, sleep well.

The Doctor get up and heads our of the room with the nurse. The nurse turns down the lights down the lights on her way out. Mr. Thompson falls to sleep.

 

My (Millennial) Generation

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I was in Personality Psychology class when the teacher had a little musing about California choosing a quite confusing piece of legislation that attempted to do away losing and make kids have better self-esteem which now has adults accusing this (my) generation of cruising.

Now, I have never been one to associate with a lot of my classmates but regarding this debate of how we equate to generations that tend to throw hate,  I have to take the bait and state that we may frustrate all those who wait for us to integrate and domesticate. The thing is our trait is to try and deny fate and operate in the way that will allow us to navigate the society that we create.

Though I can’t deny that we amplify the problems we have and that we do magnify the things that don’t seem to matter. On the other hand, we do not stand idly by to when it comes to demystifying and indemnifying the problems laid upon us.   Though we are young, we at least work to clarify all that we need to rectify to in some ways we purify the system and all of its problems.

We are a young generation, filled the brim with electronic temptation. Our biggest complication is our unwavering desire for confrontation with the previous generation. We want a type of reformation to occur in this great nation before we can even think about respiration.

I am afraid that we deny aid and when we make progress things will simple retrograde. It is foolish to try and barricade ourselves in a crusade that involves nothing more than a tirade. What we should do is sharpen our blade in the art of persuading so that we evade the cascade of the dismayed.  We are portrayed as little more than a charade, and until we dissuade that notion, it will be like eating nightshade.  It’s more about working on wading through the masquerade so that others will be swayed.

I know what we do seems silly, but really, we are working towards a better future.

No one knows how the future will juxtapose what we do with what gets done.  So I suppose that we have to wait for life’s dominoes to disclose how it goes.  So before I exit the throws of prose I want to enclose my woes about lows of my generation. I would personally dispose of all the complaining that arose over not being superimposed when we reached adulthood. I feel like we hit it on the nose the economy froze, and we composed a story about the close of our future opportunities. I propose we impose new ideas that will help everyone at the end of the day.

My (Millenial) Generation is coming to play.  Now I know we usually don’t stay in one place but if I can keep the complaints at bay when I say, that today we are trying to light the way so people won’t have to pay for the problems of yesterday.  Please all this little display to grant leeway for us to purvey the dreams without delay.

 

 

Midnight Travels

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Sitting in the midnight
Waiting for the storm
Looking out my window
Seeing nothing more

Sitting in the midnight
Enjoying the tune
Welling emotions in me
Seeing where they will go

Sitting in the midnight
Reflecting on life
Thinking about its beauty
Hoping never lose sight

Sitting in the midnight
Dreaming of the moon
Feelings washing over
Purifying heart

Sitting in the midnight
Waiting for the dawn
Looking out my window
Finding where it’s gone

Sitting in the midnight
Readying for the deep
Knowing the night is over
Coming to the sleep

A Small Pause

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I’ve come up on some small pauses in between the hustle and bustle my life has taken on. I wanted to take a moment to both see how far I have come and to see how much farther I must go.

One thing I must recognize is that without the help and support of others, I couldn’t have gotten this far, for that I am eternally grateful and in the same respect humbled. Life has a way of dishing out hard lessons and being a fan of knowledge; I have made sure how to take note.  I have set myself onto a path that I feel will bring about real and helpful change for the rest of my life, one that I could not have come to without the trials and tribulations of yesterday.

I plan to keep at what I have been doing, keeping busy with making myself a better, stronger, and well-rounded individual. It’s through learning about willpower, and discipline that I have been able to make more strides towards that goal. Creating healthy and robust habits to build the foundation for more success in the future.  I will get to where I want to go; the path is unknown, but the destination is something I will continue to chase.

There are my shortfalls, places where I know I can do better.  I try to be as self-aware as possible, but even that has its moments of obliviousness.  I am in a way trying to overcome, but I will need help.  So in that respect, let me know if there is some area I can do better in, and how you would suggest I do so.

It’s in these small moments, the pauses, which I can see both how far I have gone and how far I have left to go. I am in the middle of a journey, and I am learning every step of the way.  I stop to look at the beauty of the world around me, to take in all its treasures.  Soon I will have to get going again, for I am not yet done.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Back To Basics – Beginning Of Writing Exercises

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I have been reading a lot lately,  in doing so, I feel like I have been able to improve my writing prowess. That was until I started reading a book about writing. The book “A Sense Of Style” is an interesting read, gave me some important insight on the mechanics of writing. What I did realize in reading this book is that my grasp of the English language is subpar. It’s more like a parrot copying a phrase than actual understanding of language.  My ability to write well will be essential where I want to go in life and is a necessary for improving my prospects. So I decided that the only way to improve was to work at it. Go back to simple basic mechanics and work my way up.  My hope is to post different lessons I learn in engaging ways that will be both fun to read and thought-provoking. I will keep improving, and as time goes on, this creative space will be used as a record of how far I’ve come. Thank you for reading, and let me know any writing tips or tricks you may know.

Sky Cities

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It was during high school that I found myself looking up more. This was particularly the case when I was leaving at 6:45 in the morning with my father and my mind felt like it wasn’t even on yet.  The drive made frequently let me imagine all the world above. Here is what I saw.

The reaching tendrils of light would always struggle to do the climb over the mountains in the distance. The sun pulled itself up using the giant floating white hand holds.  You can tell that it had to warm up because it would start off with fresh red and pinks before settling on yellow for the day.  Climbing slowly over the horizon, every day it had to do this, and every morning was a struggle.

The morning light woke up the clouds too, floating lifeless during the night.  When the sun illuminated the inner crevices, it was as if it powered on.  Whole cloud civilizations would awaken to resume the business it had before.

In some cloud, I could see the procession of the newly crowned monarch climb the brightened steps to become a representative to the gods above. The whole cloud embossed in gold in an uproar of celebrations, exploding as the lavish party carried on. There was a sense of joyousness and hope as the cloud grew larger and out of control as the festival went on.  The cloud would grow taller and move quickly across the sky to spread the great news of their empire.

In other clouds, I could see debris.  The clouds had the mighty heroes of old clashing. On the backs of mystical creatures, their swords would collide and scatter.  Warriors spread about fighting and dying in the cloud as it painted with both white and red lights.  Pieces of cloud coming apart as chaos ensued.  The battlefield would stretch for miles, and with each clash, another page to the story written. The conflict unknown but no hopes of ending this clash until one or both becomes nothing.

Small clouds sometimes would paint small portraits of snapshots in time.  Things like a man sitting in a comfy chair during the middle of the day while not wanting to go outside. Or a rabbit finding delicious grass to eat as it keeps its eyes out for predators.  Small scenes from the life that projected themselves into the skies above.

My favorite type of clouds looked as if they painted the sky.  Beautiful landscapes and scenes of nature. Fantastic rolling hill-scapes covered with grass and beautiful forests untouched by man. Seas and waves crashing on open shores, beating against the soft sand. Waterfalls and mountains were breaking free of their usual form to grow into even more spectacular forms. Speaking of peace which is unattainable within a city.  It’s as if using emotion as the medium to create.

These giant floating worlds, all unique, dwarf me in scale bringing the whole world into perspective. I remember going to school and imagine all the great things that are happening among the clouds. The sun would fight against the clouds, some were steadfast and kept their ground, but others faded away never to be seen again.  That’s why I like looking at the sky; I know I will always find something new.