I don’t think it would be a surprise to anyone to say I have been stressed the last several months. I think it’s been apparent in my writings and my actions outside of them. Like a candle burning slowly through the night, I feel exhausted now that everything is said and done. I have finally finished all I have to do before the holidays, but now that things are over I feel.. well… not as I expected.
Everything is over, sure I have lingering projects that I have to do over the break and my job is still going to be there on Monday but I’m done, I made it through the end of this section. I thought I would be happy, overjoyed at this accomplishment and yet I just feel so… empty about it all. Like I have been putting so much of myself into this endeavor that when it came time to submit I forgot to put anything back in.
This emptiness has been manifesting itself throughout my everyday. Things like sitting in chairs listlessly staring into the white of the walls around me, sleeping like a madman who found the meaning of his life in dreams, and a general sense of apathy. These feelings have been following me for days now, and maybe it’s part of the recovery process, but it bothers me. For someone who has been depressed multiple times in his life, these symptoms are worrisome, and if they persist I feel like it will spell trouble. I might be overly sensitive to these things but I can tell you being depresses is something to be wary of.
I think this is all part of a great wind down, this recovery from fried nerves, long nights, and so much worrying. It’s hard to stop after so much frenzied activity, to the point where I am almost more comfortable working at hurried pace than the silence that comes after. There is no gradual tapering off in this season, it’s just all and then nothing.
It’s in recognizing these feelings that start the process of healing, knowing that it’s okay to be not okay for a little while as my spirit returns to me. These feelings of anxiety and lack of productivity will be fine for some time, as long as they aren’t keeping me from what I enjoy. That I have to express my frustration and emotions as they come and be content with the things that I have. To know that things will return in time, and I have to keep pushing forward. In recognition, I have the ability to fight against this and rise above.
Today marks the day to start to recover from this crazy rollercoaster I have been on for the last 6 months, which is a coincidence because it is my birthday too.