As I have made it evident, I have been having a hard time the last several months when returning home from my long trip. A feeling of emptiness that persisted for months, a feeling of being left along, the burden of major decision weighing on my shoulders, and my mind turning to the darker places in life. I was in a storm and I drove thin the people who decided to try and weather the rain and wind with me, to them (especially my ex-girlfriend) I am eternally grateful. I was lucky in some respects, I could have lost much more than I did, I could have become catatonic from all the darkness and missed out on doing what I needed to. After all the chaos and change that was going on, I found people to lean on and to help me through it. I needed to learn to be able to get back up on my own but a helping hand is something I learned to take. I was able to get back up on my feet, after the long night to find the world still mostly intact. Soon, my dark world became a little more illuminated for me to see the people around me, the color of the world restored little by little. It’s funny how in the time when they are dark they make it seem to make the world feel cold and shallow, only to find that we are missing so much when the light returns.
The story isn’t over though. This darkness was replaced by intensity of spirit. It maintained me for some time. The feeling of great and powerful emotions, happiness and sadness, anger and patience, all these returning in great waves crashing against the harbor of my life. The feeling gave me color and the ability to be happy but it also brought about the feeling of a fragile existence. Like I am walking on ice on a frozen lake, knowing I could fall in any time. The intensity is though unsustainable, though it amplifies the good emotions it also amplifies the bad ones. Anger and a sense of intolerance rose up in my life. A particularity about how I want things done, a wanton feeling of not wanting to put up with anything. The desire to be chased but not to chase by the things I want. It’s got me up on my feet, but I needed more. Acting on how my emotions feels like swaying and has no consistency to it. I wanted it though because it gave me the ability to act, and made me feel free for some time.
This desire for something more sustainable persisted, before the waves of emotions broke something more important. Fortunately, I woke up this morning realizing what I was missing, deliberate action. Putting myself into what I want to do, and fueling it by ourselves. For me, I want to fuel it with love. The love of what I do, the love of the world around me, and treating those around me with love. It is a feeling that is sustainable and makes me feel complete. To love the world, and everything in it. The emotion, that inspires me to be great and picks me up instead of pushing others things down. Thats not to say I won’t get mad or feel negatively but its that approach gives me the ability to grow and it makes the world a beautiful place once again.
I will ultimately never be done with my desire for self improvement but I feel like it I can give my all to whatever I am doing. I leave with a quote again, this time by Isaac Asimov.
“However, I continue to try and I continue, indefatigably, to reach out. There’s no way I can single-handedly save the world or, perhaps, even make a perceptible difference – but how ashamed I would be to let a day pass without making one more effort.”