Why are you still like this way. This poultry person perpetuating a persecuted persona. When shall you break emancipate yourself from this strung up fantasy, weaved intricately with lies and stories of how to push forward into the dream but never taking the plunge you truly need to make it a reality.
When will you stop hiding behind the circumstances and drive yourself into the plane of something enduring. To take the wheel on the winding road and forsake the prims and the propers to engage in something real.
Be true, be genuine. So if you say grow then grow, if you want to stay still than stay still, but dont become the stalwart hypocrite that speaks empty syllogisms about the way the world works.
I am stuck seeing you feast and feasted on your fascination with creature comforts that are careening closer to a early earthen exit. Forcefully you say that tomorrow will bring new horizons but when tomorrow comes you swiftly declare it today and absolve yourself of any obligation. When will you see with eyes unclouded. When will you wipe that veneer off your face and stare radically into yourself. When, then is not a time but a state of being, one that seems eternally unreachable.
The problem is perpetuated by the prospect of fantastical fantasies that are fallow of any reasonable reality rendered through open eyes.
I, then, seem to be situated in the spectacular other, where watching life go by knowing all these faults, and forcing myself into ways of waywardness and woe to actively avoid the avalanche of artifice though evidently unable to evade inevitable enterprise of hate.
It appears ardently that though I amble upwards, i am unable to delicately disconnect the deep deluge of despisement flowing towards the totality of myself. Through my failings I find no forgiveness for my form, just bitter resentment.
Why can’t I move, why am I forced to look upon myself and see someone who is forever failing to move forward in the ways I want.
I need to stop making excuses and just do. No matter the alliterations that follow, its time to move. Though challenging it may be, this chance may change the chapter into something new.
Uncategorized
The Art of Letting Go
It was because of a conversation that I had recently, a conversation about addressing a progressively troublesome tribulation that has made a reappearance, that made me realize it. That I’m having trouble letting go. That in my mind and heart I am still living in this space of trauma response. It was made more clear when the other person caught wind of this and asked a simple question “What is it that you want?”.
Resolution.
At the time I couldn’t put this concept into words. I attempted to throw together scenarios that I felt would uplift the mood and bandage the hurt that occurred. It wasn’t until reflecting later that I found it. Through everything going on, I still don’t feel resolved at the original transgression. I am living in a wounded state, letting the hurt begin to scare but never close. Always in remembrance to ensure that I remain ever vigilant for a potential hurt to come.
It makes me frustrated to know that this pain still circulates through me, to what benefit does it hold other than to make me fear each passing week and to remain on guard for the potential surge in negative feedback. This is no way to live.
I know that this part within me wants justice, or to feel a sense of fairness. That the transgression was, in some ways, acknowledged and accounted for. That the cosmic scales would be tipped in a noticeable way that I can feel that the pain and anguish is the cost for something more that I want. I want this knowing that the universe doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t give you something just because you may believe you are due. I turned this situation into a large lesson on life but these experiences are continually pieces of wisdom that I wished I could learn some other way.
This resolution has to come from within but I don’t where to even start. Where to begin to let go and leave the rest of these feelings behind. For now, I will settle for an acknowledgment within myself that something needs to change and that if I don’t desire to change it then I won’t be able to truly heal.
Not This Week
Ive been on break but still working.
Dealing with all the changes on campus.
Not writing today but will try this week.
Good luck and stay healthy
And So It Begins – The Golden Boy, Now Stateless
Just as a digression before I begin. A few years ago (when I was going through the Ph.D. interview process for the first time) there was a prospect of me moving to Dallas to attend school. Though this opportunity didn’t end up bearing fruit there was a beautiful thought of being able to name a series of blog posts – The Golden Body in The Lone Star State – which other than being descriptive of both where I’ve been (growing up in California, and it being the Golden State) and where I was going (Texas is the Lone Star State) would have been a catchy title for process of moving away from home and being in a lonely state of mind. Though reality ultimately it turned out for the better I did hope that wherever state I ended up in had a nice nickname to make a catch title. Low and behold I went to the one place in the United States that doesn’t have a state nickname… because it’s not a state at all, Washington D.C. Maybe it was the world’s way of telling me that I need to try a bit harder on the naming scheme, but as it stands now, I’m Stateless.
I’ve been here for almost a month now, trying to find a home in a new place. Transforming these open spaces into homelike traces wanting so much to find where I belong.
All new things take time, the question is how much time should I take. It’s easy of course when you have a place you’ve established, it’s easy when the reality is that you are only so far away. Everything is so new, and so different but walks around with the false facsimile of something familiar. You know, it’s a lot of effort to have the chance to find where I could possible stand. It has caused me to lay awake at night, unable to find a comfortable place to lay my head, yearning so much for what I’ve known. There is no break from that reality for me, I am here, and they are there. With thousands of miles of land between us, there is no illusion like there is with the sea, that you might just be there on the other side of the waves. Though we can edge that distance, the truth is that you or I can’t cross it completely.
It’s trying to find that place that is comfortable, which is hard for someone who at times doesn’t even like his own skin. It was easier last time, I had a group of people that I was thrust into on an extremely regular basis, a community already established, and a community of many who wanted to connect just as much as I. Joined by as shared vision brought on by this beautifully temporary space, connecting not only in dream but in heart.
I didn’t need to prove anything to them, I came in with a much-warranted humility that I need to start from scratch. Start building up from where I was, though experiences not learned. I think my two years have given me a slight complex about wanting to show I’ve learned, to prove that I know, and to know that I am respected. Respect takes time, it’s not handed out like candy but built like cake. Layer by layer. It’s partially because I’m scared that I use this knowledge to defend myself, to make it seem like I am competent and confident when in reality, I don’t know what the next step it. I’m shaking inside, retreating into my head, thankfully I’ve made friends there since last time, so it isn’t too detrimental.
It’s lonesome, though. I thrive when I am known, and here nobody knows me. I can’t say it’s all that bad, people are friendly here, living their lives to the fullest. Going from place to place with a mission and purpose, and all I’m trying to do is find where I fit in all this. Of course, if I would stop thinking and just do, then I would eliminate most of my troubles. If I were to reach out, and make reality what I want it to be, then I wouldn’t have this problem. I need not regress to this shy person I was before, the one who didn’t know up from down and didn’t understand anyone including himself. Maybe it’s premature for all this talk now, but it’s hard not to the I’ve awake at night wondering where everyone else in the world is.
It’s a bit troubling, but I have to be resilient to myself. Now is the perfect time to become who I want to be and stand firm who I have been. It’s that belief in myself that I need to renew and learn to power forward. If I am true to myself, then people will naturally gather. There will be some bumps on the road, but this is an excellent chance to reaffirm what I know and grow even more.
I can’t say it’s been easy, but who really want life to be easy. It’s too dull that way anyways.
Soon
Another delay because of schedule but i hope to address that in tomorrows post.
A Current State Of Dissatisfaction
It was there, gazing out the window at the world as I realized that I couldn’t really appreciate what laid beyond the glass. It felt like a violet sunset on the horizon, and my emotions were setting like the sun only to give way to the cold and dark. Dissatisfaction is what rings out; dissatisfaction with where I am, with what I do, and how much I am able to do. If you have ever read my past blog posts this should be a familiar theme that persists through the paragraphs. Why should this be such a big problem now of all times when it hasn’t been a problem before?
My problem lies as there is no reason to be dissatisfied, in fact, I should be elated and yet it feels as if my body and soul are hesitant to this. Waiting for the day when all can be right. The unknown keeping me from really feeling happy because I know happiness may lead to more sorrow in the future.
It’s a lack of control with all these forces whirling around me sucking the oxygen out of the air as I feel my breath trying to choke me. There are too many things up there in the sky above so when I get a moment to catch my breath all it feels like is that I’m wheezing. I tossed them all there when I had the energy to fight but now I am trying to catch them as they fall, hoping nothing breaks,
Days after days I keep on with this lingering mood, attempting to break free of it’s hold but as look above it appears the clouds are following me and that I should prepare for rain.
It’s when it gets cold that it I really seem to notice things. The chill of the relationships around me as I push them away for space and a supposed peace. All I want to do is sleep, even when opening up my eyes in the morning, it seems all I want to do is rest which I can’t seem to get.
This dissatisfaction is pulling me down with all its might. Like ice below my feet, I am getting stuck within its waters. I don’t know why I feel this way or made it happen so I’m waiting for the sun to rise to regain my strength… or maybe I’m just waiting for something to distract me long enough to make me forget that I am freezing.
A Certain Sense of Calm and Happiness
A couple weeks ago I came downstairs to find that my bike was stolen. All that was left was my cut lock and a sense of bewilderment as to why someone would steal a 12-year-old bicycle. It was strange, I wasn’t upset about it at all even though I spent the last two years using my bike almost every day. It just was what it was, and I knew I would be able to deal with it.
I was worried it was a great sense of apathy that had befallen me. It wouldn’t have been the first time this had happened, in the years I had depression I became intimately acquainted with this feeling that nothing mattered. I was worried that all the stress from my work, school, and applications had fried my brains and my nerves taking me to this state of nothingness.
It felt like something different though, it was more of an acceptance and moving on. A quick coping with these things that were coming up and threatened to destroy my day. Even after I got sick and bedridden missing events and scrambling my schedule I felt alright.
I just have been happy with life, I had gotten through these difficult moments, have the opportunity be with the people who I love, and enjoy these smaller moments. I know that the future will hold more trails and tribulations but I want to make the most of this time when I feel like I can take on the world.
I think all I really wanted to write is that I am doing okay, and I hope you are doing okay. If you are not, things will be okay eventually, sometimes it is just persisting long enough.
More posts are to come, more thoughts and changes come the in the new year. My next post will be saying goodbye to this last one.
Sick Day
I will post soon but I have been bed ridden the last several days so I am going to take this time to rest.
Stay safe and healthy for the holidays
Daydreams of Light And Dark
I had a dream recently, a waking dream that felt so real but so distant at the same time.
I was floating there, through the darkness, in the infinite darkness that can be. It reminded me of a calm night without stars, sitting there floating through entropy. I sat there for a while, in a sense of wallow, what had brought me there I do not know, but all I knew is I was there floating. Floating, but not moving, frozen there in the darkness.
Before I knew right from left a wave a pure bright light washed over this world and exposed my floating. I could see myself, whole and untouched in the great vacuum of just light and self. A feeling of who I am awoke within this light, in the realization that it had been sleeping. You see darkness has a way of clouding us, and making us lose ourselves because there is no reflection if there is not enough light to see.
In getting my bearings, I looked out into the light that I was now able to see. The world was just as it changed before a void of light before it changed again. The light and darkness began to spin in a great vortex, like night and day, flipping from place to place, circling me and casting shadow on my skin. It sped up and slowed down, and thought came to me that could control this light, this balance, this ebb and flow. I spun the light around me, filled the world with darkness, then back again to light. This is when I woke up and knew what my heart had revealed to me in the guise of a dream. It’s up to us it said. It’s up to us how we want to fill our world and see it. That is the one thing we have power over when all seems to be falling down around us.
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It’s been a long couple months, and it’s so easy to get caught up in my head. I’ve always maintained that my mind is the most dangerous place for me, especially if I have too much time to think. I think a lot of us do that, get caught up in that moment, and can’t see the forest from the trees. It’s ultimately up to us though, how we want to view the world and what we want to put out into it.
That’s not to say that everything has to be light, and beautiful, darkness itself has it’s own place in this world. Without darkness we would not know light, and without light we would not know darkness. It’s when these things seem not to be equal and when our view of the world gets skewed so much. The light itself will begin to hurt us because we can’t obtain it, it will be too bright what would be a world of darkness. This though works in a world of light, if some small darkness is found, we fixate on it and don’t realize that focusing on this small blip in our bright world, we welcome more of this darkness into ourselves. It all seems so far off, especially in a world of darkness, because that’s all you can see, a small star in a field of space. We need to realize, there is a dichotomy in that, and that truthfully we can create that light that within ourselves. If we are open, we allow ourselves to be touched by this light it will make us vulnerable to all forces in the world that may hurt us. If we are closed, we cast shadows upon ourselves but protect ourselves from the onslaught of the world and all its evils. Neither is wrong, but for me I need to trust my heart is strong, that way even if the world seems to be shrouded and darkness, I will at least have the light from within to guide the way home.
I want to be the light, out there in the darkness because I know what it is, to be alone. I want to guide people because I know what it is to be without a guide. It’s up to me how I want to live my life, whether it’s in light or in darkness. And I know for myself that living in the light is the place I would much rather be.
Recording:
Save The Crop: Feed The Earth
I can see a field of flowers in my mind. Strung across a vast expanse, blooming fields flowers lead the way on an accompanying path that only speaks of life. The path extends outwards toward the horizon, but as I leave the path, the flowers seem to struggle to press on. Less and less they grow, and the healthy bloom gives way to fallow land. This dirt is just as robust as the others, but its empty. Why is this field empty, flowers are able to grow. This field was empty because no one took the time to sow.
I’ve never been especially stellar at relationships. It’s certainly not from a lack of feeling. My problem lies within the action. Like a burning flame, the father I get from them, the harder it is to remember the warmth. The fire is always there, burning red hot, flickering in the darkness, it’s just about stoking the fire even though I might not close to it. I feel at times like I become a ghost, a piece of fiction until I am seen. I grew up this way because the relationships around me felt largely part-time. As if my existence required me not to get too close, because too close can cause pain, and energy and I needed all the energy I had to keep me from the pain. I know it sounds dramatic but when you’re not involved with anything you had now way of being let down. It’s not a great way of thinking, a personal flaw I never intended to have but one I have to contend with regularly. What troubles me though is this growing bud, resting within my heart that calls out to tend the garden of good relationships I have the great fortune to have. Allow them to take root and grow. Grow so that it can bear fruit and transist itself into something much more than the sum of its parts. There are so many people around me who bring light into my life, and it’s shameful that I do not put more effort into cultivating these beautiful relationships. So now comes the time to do away with the ghost and shed light on the myth, to come out from hiding and be accountable for my inaction.
I am growing up slowly and I look around to realize that there are some things I have always wanted, somethings money cannot simply buy or find. I will chase these things, and do better than the me of yesterday as it always comes down to where we invest our time because most of the work in relationships is just showing up. There is a saying “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, and the next best time is today.” So here’s my pledge, to sow the seeds of the future, let the fields of flowers bloom, tend the gardens of relationships, so that the path might not simply be gilded but shine brightly with the sight of a full life.
Too Human 