It’s like drugs I think, working towards something you love. Each and every day I feel consumed by it, consumed by wanting it, always pushing for it. From dawn til dusk and from dusk til dawn I work or think about working all the time which I know isn’t the most balanced way to live but if I wanted a balanced life I wouldn’t have chosen academia as a goal. But it reminds me of a saying from high school when they made us do drug prevention education. One’s too much, a thousand not enough.
It’s hard sometimes because it always feels like I’m behind. When I am sitting alone with my thoughts, it comes up. I should be productive right now, the better me would be productive. My imagined competition doesn’t have these problems or worries, they simply work. They are a machine and by the time we both apply, their long grocery list of accomplishments dwarfs the lines on my applications I managed to throw together. These thoughts have started to peek into my normal life, my social life, my relaxation.
I know I should keep many of these things in life separate, but I can’t, or more like I won’t. It flows through me, and in some ways is me. To be so intertwined is ultimately detrimental for my wellbeing, for I will live and die in this small world that has no reason or recourse to reciprocate my feelings. It’s a dangerous thing, dreaming, not because of what happens when you’re doing it but what happens after you wake up. So I must tear myself away from it kicking and screaming, enjoy the world around me while it lasts, invest in other things knowing full well that each moment I spend away is a moment deprived from my goal. I should think of it as an investment, it’s always good to diversify my portfolio, but I found the one thing I want to be the best at, so it’s hard to pull away from feeding this monster.
I have to turn off at some point. Let go and drift for a while to rest. Other people deserve my attention, and I should give it to them. It’s what they deserve, and it’s with them that I will make it through.
These restless moments, this forlorn daydreaming keeps me going and pushing forward into the day where everything is always slightly out of reach.