I think people believe that I can be around people all day. Not an unsubstantiated belief because for most of the day, you will find me around and talking to others. I do though run out of steam, and in those moments I need to draw back and fold into myself.
I’ve just been feeling tired lately, and it’s not just because of the atrocious sleeping schedule that I have adopted but because I haven’t had that time to recharge and be by myself. I haven’t made this time and with the coming and going of projects and events the last day I had to myself was over a month ago. I have a high tolerance, but eventually, I do run out of steam. This is a massive problem because it causes me to fall behind, not be involved like I could. I am not able to give 100% because my batteries are only partially recharged. So my health, my work, and those around me I need this time to just be me. There are only so many days that I can follow this intense routine before the routine itself starts to break down, and I start to resent all that holds me together
What do I do, write, read, sleep, nothing really spectacular. Sometimes I watch shows, but there is a hesitation because what if I get too involved. I used to play video games, but with my schedule, I am worried I will become too immersed in it. It’s almost not fair or healthy that I keep giving these things up for my degree. What I do narrows, to the point where I find myself staring out of windows, losing myself in the horizon. I know it’s about balance, but I have to do what I can to survive.
This though presupposes a problem. That what I doing, resisting these urges to play will ultimately catch up to me. It’s like when the people in your life make you choose between two things that you love, even though you will still end up with what you want, the cost of the other weights down on your decision. If you do this enough, it will eat away at you, just like it’s starting to eat away at me. To the point where I get so drained that my mind can’t move forward unless I stop.
I need these moments because they are like precious nutrients to keep my days from becoming carbon copies of each other. To keep me inspired and moving forward. I had a day earlier this week that I got these nutrients, and the whole next day it felt like I was on top of the world. It didn’t last long, that night I had to spend my night working long hours to get my work done. This day gave me something though, hope. Hope for what could be if I figure this thing out. So like the scientist I aspire to be, I will test this, and make it work. Find out where I can recharge these batteries so when the time comes, I will have the energy to be the all of me that I want to be.