“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
― Paulo Coelho,
I know recently, I have been complaining a lot about the fact the I’ve been tired, but I want to take a moment to reflect on the reason I am exhausted in the first place.
I’ve been busy, busy with various new experiences life as seen to throw my way. Mostly work, to be honest, but its weird, this is never the type of working experience that I have ever had. It’s this thing where I almost crave it. I work and act as if all myself want and needs to. I’ve had a lot of jobs and been through a lot of schooling, and this is the first time I’ve really felt this way about all the things sitting in front of me. It’s like a high mountain to climb, and I’m mountain climber trying to traverse it.
My days have been filled with staying at school for more than 12 hours at a time. I check each day what my home door to door time is and each day I realize its extending. At these points, I would find that I would be tired of going, tired of continually having to push myself more to get done everything I want to do. Each opportunity feels as if it is a whetstone, sharpening my the tools I will use to push forward in my life. It feels as if this moment, my body feels live so that it wants to keep pushing farther and further than I ever had before.
Maybe its perspective, the two years away from school has definitely changed how I approach education. Though I always knew I would continue down this path, I feel more passionate about my choice to do so. Unrestricted, more sure-footed about where I want to go and what I want to do. It keeps me vigilant about my opportunities, keeps me actively striving for more, until I find myself staying up late, working long hours to complete something.
My body needs rest as it starts to ache all over. My eyes begin to burn from all the monitors and from being awake so long during the day. My mind sits in a fog by the time I get home, just trying to digest everything that just happened. I have no time, and yet I keep going in the hopes that I will catch up in the long run. My belly runs empty, and I have to remind myself to eat enough for the amount I expend. And yet, I love these moments, because it feels like I am finally pushing myself to do something great.
There a danger to it, with the new feeling comes cautionary tales of both burn out and breaking. If I push too hard too fast, I can break down my body and my health to the point where my body refuses me, and I have to stop the obsession. The second is set this fire for much for too long runs the risk of turning the subject I have fallen in love with into a bastion of resentment. Begining to internalize the little things and grow tired of the subject and the place I am to work. As always, it’s about the balance of these things, to keep my mind healthy and my ridiculous actions in check.
I want to push myself so I can grow strong under the opportunities that I have been presented. By the end of this short two years, I want to have the strength to tackle the next five and the knowledge of how to get stronger for the next 60 and beyond. Every day is a new challenged and all I want to do is live up to it.