Absolution

Unlike most of these posts, this one has been one I have been meaning to write a while, but I hadn’t come to a resolution about it until recently. I also have been debating how much I should divulge through these posts. I want to push myself to open up more and do what I can to live transparently.

The power is in the pardon, is what my dad was telling me for weeks as I waited for my car to arrive. About three weeks after I had signed all the paperwork for it, I finally received my car. Now, for me there was no issue, I knew that there was no ill intent behind my car not arriving, and forgiving the dealership was easy. The problem is, those words stuck with me. Resounding and reverberating in my head, I wasn’t really prepared for what they would soon mean to me.

I really don’t enjoy being angry. Fortunately, I was born with patience and a long fuse. Even when I get angry, I am quick to come down from it. I even learned a Buddha quote for the occasion  “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

It was weird then over the last couple of months had this growing fire ignite inside me. These sporadic situations, making me scorch internally. A hot intensity that I knew had dredged up history along with it. I found myself burning for things that I thought I had moved past.

Now my frustrations were founded on the external things happening.  My life has been taking unexpected detours that have been throwing me off. I could not have possibly seen where things would have been going six months ago. With breaking up with my girlfriend after a couple months of hardship and tumultuousness. Being angry with how the world didn’t change fast enough after I graduated. Being frustrated with work and my new accommodations.  That is where the first ring came though, forgiving all that was and all that had happened. My heart had felt lighter and felt like I right side of things for the first time in a while.

Then came to what I thought was the largest piece of this pissed off puzzle. My past that the anger has simply decided to dredge up when I was perfectly content to leave it where it was.  All the bad things that happened to me and all the mistreatments I had overcome over the years started to burn like an ache in my side.  Being in close proximity with family and the way family works brings out the things long forgotten. How could these have come back to hurt me, I thought I had taken care of the wound long ago. But again, the ring came and I forgave it, moving forward as to what I can do with the future instead of rehashing the past.

Then came the mystery guest, someone who I didn’t know was playing this game. This one was by far the hardest because I had to forgive myself. I am hard on myself, harder on myself than anyone else.  For me, it’s easy to forgive others, but when I look myself in the mirror, I know have to live with the decisions I have made. The small things that eat away at me. Things like, how can I have let myself fall so far, if I was only stronger maybe things would have turned out differently. How could I not be angry, how was I suppose to forgive the single entity that can really be held responsible.  I have to let go, not hold onto the burning coal.  I have forgiven myself for all the failures and shortcomings. I certainly know others are not perfect, so why do I expect myself to not make mistakes. The final ring came, and I forgave myself.

Over the last couple of months, I realized I say sorry too much for who I am and what I do. Then after reading and contemplating it a solution, what I realized I always really meant is to say Thank You. Thank You for being there, thank you all for allowing me to be me around you. Thank You all for being patient and all the memories and Thank You for letting me learn from my mistakes.

Thank You.

 

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