Words, My Eternal Struggle With Language

This is a first post of course, but most who are reading this either know me or have really searched the internet to find this.  Either way introductions aren’t important. The important thing right now is to write and read. I have always wanted to write consistently and the eternal “now” is the best moment for it, as I have been told by a friend.

The whole point of this is to write how I feel and what I view the world as at the moment. This will change and these are just thoughts and ideas, take them as they are.

What I am having trouble with is being able to convey what I am mean to others.  It has been a life long issue of mine. Though most people would say that I do speak well, I have always had issues putting what is in my mind and articulating exactly what I mean. It’s a scary thought itself, knowing that what you say and do doesn’t translate to well to others. Especially since I want to pursue a career in relaying information to a large audience.

I first had trouble with writing. My handwriting was illegible from the moment I put down my first letter “A” and it only went down hill from there for a while. There were many hours spent trying to improve my penmanship including extra lessons, different writing utensils, and practice. It was a while before I got my printing and hand writing to just subpar enough to be understandable. Ironically when that happened people realized there wasn’t only an issue with how I was writing, but what I was wring. My grammar and syntax was out the window. Learning the commas, semicolon, and subject and predicate became a new challenge for me.  More time was spent on me trying to learn the basics.  This coupled with a poor understand on how to spell words correctly made english by far my least favorite subject. The struggle continued, I grew weary of writing and all that it entailed. It didn’t help that I found reading difficult, and it would take me longer to read things than most other people.  I preferred talking, speaking my mind, answering questions, and using that format instead of having to worry about all the rules of literature.  It was a freer form, where people didn’t have to worry about my handwriting and only actually be concerned with what I had to say.

This continued for a few more years, and until the start of the era of essays. Now trying to combine everything I have had difficulties with was a challenge, but I fought through it. Soon, most of my sentences made sense… just not together.  I had help from my parents though, and through careful editing I would pass classes.  The problem was, that the editing they did changed the style in which it was written. My words felt like they had left me and someone else’s voice jumped in.  I tried my best to improve but I always had this invisible wall between me and it.  Like I could see language, understand it, but it felt like we were two separate entities that would never align. This is the struggle I’ve had since the beginning but I always had a voice. One that would carry me and my personality beyond myself and into the world.

As I’ve come into more of my own, I noticed that regardless of how positive I am about everything in my life, this is the one area I feel weak and unable.  It is debilitating to be honest.  I know my weaknesses though and I work at it. Luckily, I always have had a voice to convey what I mean.  I’ve been trying other method, dictation, recording my thoughts and transcribing, and trying to talk through it. What I realized is that I don’t have a clear goal or path to my writing. It has always been a means to an end, a way to get by. I never really trusted it or relied on it. Now I might not have a choice. I’ve developed a habit of speaking that is like my writing. Formless, one that is not direct and difficult to understand exactly what I am trying to convey.  My statements come out wishy washy, incomplete,and overly fluffed.  I feel like I am losing myself to words, and my ability to articulate things. I need to fight back, and change things. I need my words now more than ever. If I don’t fight back and get my writing and speech back on track, then I will lose one most important things that makes me who I am, my voice.

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