There has been this growing feeling of unease inside me, these past couple months have felt different than all those years before. Something has shifted, aside from the accident and the mourning, it feels like something is missing. This precious fuel source that drove me wild with want and need after all these years seemed to just dissipate after the accident. Like ease or contentment has made me run on empty, slowed down my gears, made it feel like the tin man whose run out of oil, frozen. I had started to believe it was all because of these changes, but I realize there is something more going on.
Like a person in a field told to throw a ball at a target he can’t see, how can you possibly move forward in a meaningful way if you don’t know where you’re going? I realized recently that I’ve spent so much time on the goal of getting into a Ph.D. program that now that I am there, I have felt a bit aimless. I mean other than the small goals I have what else is driving me forward?
I need to reassess where I am and what I am doing. I have other wants and dreams, but they are much less clear to me. Like my desire to become a professor at a university and do research, but what type of university and where? Or how I want my life to look like after these five short and long years.
With no clear direction, how can I shoot for what I want?
I’ve spent time meditating over this, this idea of what I want and need out of life. I asked the world to give me something reflect on, to show me the path and listened. Through my experiences, I was given the answer I was looking for.
First, I listened to a man speak about teaching, with much wonder and zeal. He spoke of giving kids a chance to learn, believing in their ability to become greater than what they initially thought. That resonated with me, gave me a piece of that want I was so looking for.
Second I found myself to words of those around me speaking out about all these opportunities to work beyond the walls of research and educations. The ability to have rhythm and rhyme set by a schedule every day of the week. These words tied knots in my stomach making me realize that a least, for now, it was not for me.
Lastly, I found myself talking so pleasantly with others about all these questions we still have left in the world, and I become excited and energized about the possibility of answering them. Finding those truths that will enlighten those who need them has always been the thing that empowers me most.
In the end, I did not come away with a clear goal but at least an idea of what I want.
I want to work in academia, researching people and technology. I want to get the chance to teach the next generation and give my passion for the subject to all those who listen. I want to be able to live life flexibly, throwing myself into my project with no time or place needed to contain me.
I wrote smaller goals to myself in place I will always be reminded, knowing full well things will change as time goes on, but for now I have a direction. A target. A place that all the world wants me to go.