Normally I make a joke when people point out that I don’t sleep much anymore. Saying things like “There ain’t no rest for the wicked” or “I can sleep when I’m dead” because it’s funny to me. Truthfully, I do get enough sleep every night, around 5 to 6 hours during the week and 7 1/2 on the weekends. What people are mostly commenting on is the fact I tend to work late night, but for me, it’s peaceful, a way to wind down the day and sometimes the only time I can really concentrate on anything.
But not this week.
This week has been different. Nights have been restless with the apprehensions about my future and school. I spent them staring at a screen, pushing myself to finish what I said I need to after which I would go to shut my eyes, and all I get is the darkness but nothing else. No calm, no peace, just quiet darkness.
I don’t really know if it means I’m in a bad place or a good one. It’s the romantic in me that sees this as the final barrier to really being able to say I’ve put my all into anything. But it’s not fun, the cloud that persists over my head, my eyes that burn in the light, and I am unable to think or do anything productively. Maybe I’ll get used this change to 3 or 4 hours, this feeling of sleeplessness, perhaps these feeling will go away after I stick with it for long enough. I don’t know, but even in my recovery I am still tired but must press on.
It’s week one, and if this is any indication of how the rest of this year goes I am in for a roller coaster. I tell myself that this is what my dream requires, this sacrifice of self that may take a lot but ultimately will give me what I’ve been envisioning since I began this journey back in high school. For me it’s a constant question, how much will I need to push myself to get what I want and a constant wonder of what more will it take from me before this is through.
Thinking about it, take is a strong word since I choose to do follow through with it. I choose to try and stay up for as long as possible. I choose to try and squeeze the most out of my days. I choose to forgo going out when I have work, I choose to stay on campus those extra hours to get things done. I choose, I choose, I choose, and maybe that’s my problem with it, it finally came a time where I no longer chose, my body just did, and I was left unable to stop this restive onslaught. I don’t know if it’s a battle I will need to fight in the future, but the moment I guess I’ll just take advantage of all the extra time not sleeping.