There I was, sitting in my car parked in the mud, fog all around and the thick beams of light dashing by as the road was illuminated for only a moment then dark again. I had hoped to come to some sort of resolution sitting there, away from it all but I couldn’t concentrate. I tried writing, but everything I wrote sounded like a shallow drop into the bottomless bucket. I felt so off inside, and I didn’t know if anything I did would make me feel any different. I was desperate, and I continually thought “I can’t live like this, this can’t be my life, I have to change.” It was then that the tears began to flow, and I could finally hear my heart once again.
I’ve spent much time on the edge, the brink of my personal existence and for a while, there was a disconnect, a dissonance, between where to be logically and where my heart and soul wanted me to be. This dissonance, which I can only describe as what it would feel like to be a 3D movie without the special glasses. It just feels wrong, nothing is in the right place but so close to where things should be that it’s hard to tell where things should actually be. It was brought about but the lack of self that I have so neglectfully not infused into my action. I have only done, but never acted on my own accord.
This began because I have spent so much time trying to learn how to follow the right path that I have ignored the path I was meant for. It’s only now that I realize that the ways of other people only go so far. My desire for a good life obscured my true self behind the good intentions of others. This is not to say life will not be easier if we follow the solid advice of others, but there is a type of medicinal quality to making decisions for yourself. A genius is least likely to understand the steps and process it takes to get to an answer. The answer simply makes sense to them, then as to people who have come across the answer and have lost connection to what it took to arrive at this solution, the answer just is. So in following the solid but seemingly unsubstantiated advice, it ends with action that is has a sense of emptiness behind it. A life that is lived solely on the suggestion and path of others will allow you to avoid troubles, but it also removes you from what it is to be a person.
This is in no way to say that advice should not be heeded, it’s merely to remark that in every piece of advice that we take, we must infuse a sense of our own essence into action. Do this or it will feel as if you are are not actually living life, and you will lose the passion and the path.
Now for me, it is to find learning through listening but also doing for myself. I am the only one who can live my life, and if I am emulating other people then how will I really get anything done. It’s the conscious effort towards what our hearts want and our minds dream of that we can in some way feel fulfilled as ourselves. It’s that friction of living a life untrue to ourselves that weighs and bears upon our soul. We find that sometimes we cage ourselves in the institution that will ultimately lead us to success in a material sense but ultimately starves the soul. If we live a life that doesn’t belong to us, we are in some way doing a disservice to ourselves. I know if I were to walk through a life that had no passion or no promise of future would feel like dying continuously until all that would be left is hollow.
At this point, I have no more excuses, I have expended them all. All they are now is a way to avoid life and be okay with it. I have to stop and listen to myself and with the aid and advice of others step forward into a new dawn.
That night I spoke to my heart, we had it out, I began yelling at it, and it started screaming back. It was all to keen to expose what I had pushed away, what I had been ignoring. It told me about all my worries and my fears. We argued my excuses, wounds, and shortfalls. As time went on, and the conversation deepened, I felt like I was finally letting go. Letting go of the reins that I had held on to for so long up to this point. Letting go of all the troubles I had been dragging along with me. My heart could not be with me because I had filled myself with debris. I finally to broke the fast that I had unknowingly put my heart through.
When my tears dried, I felt one with my heart, as if it was right there back within my chest. I felt like I was where I was supposed to belong. Like how a small child out exploring hardly ever feels lost, instead a feels a sense adventure, the world once again felt like the grand adventure I knew it to be.
We can’t avoid making mistakes, and traversing familiar lessons but thats part of being alive, we just do the best we can out there. I understand the a great fortune to be talking about the ability to choose and the pusuit of dreams. At the end of the day, I can only speak to what my heart tells me “Follow your dreams or die”. It really is just as unreasonable as I am and I wouldn’t have it any other way.