I noticing myself drifting off again, drifting into space where thoughts pervade my consciousness. Sitting there staring into the distance, imagining the horrors of existence.
It happened again, once my mind is tired from the day, or just don’t seem to have enough energy to fight off the coming storm. It starts with a small “You can’t” and builds from there. These invasive thoughts that cross my mind like floodwater during a storm, I am helplessly trying to block the current as it drowns everything in touches. I start to think negatively, working to fight back against this onslaught of thoughts and feelings I don’t want. Once the gates are open, I just have to wait for the storm to end because I don’t have the endurance to fight against these persistent waves. All I can do is watch and know that it will let up eventually.
It takes me the dark alleys of my mind and makes me deals with all the backhanded things that have ever popped up. These are the things that don’t even come up on my radar normally but are apparent deeply seeded in my brain. Things like my fear about never amounting to anything, my hesitation with not knowing if I am on the right path, a constant stream of thoughts about not being good enough. As a whole, these ideas throw me for a loop and even though they are not truthful, the ideas have already taken root and tied themselves to my very being. Will they go away, probably not, but will become easier to manage if I continue to work at it.
These thoughts are something I can’t avoid but at times are remedied simply by a good meal. Makes me confused about the validity of the ideas. I wonder if I should take them seriously and if there might be some small truth to it all aside from highlighting my insecurities. I don’t know if I should follow them down the rabbit hole or I should be weary that it might just lead me to a sewer. The thoughts can poison a day or a make a good moment sour. Like with weeds, if unattended they multiply. Is my mind giving me a dose of reality or just some sick fantasy I never knew I had?
I snap out of it, only a moment has passed but it leaves a mark on me. A smile that was once there disappears along with the gleam in my eyes. It will be a little while before they truly return. I keep at it, moving forward knowing there could be another storm waiting for me right around the corner.