It has come to my attention that I have trouble defining who I am. It is something that I look to others for insight. Using others a mirror of sorts, looking for feedback. I can tell you that when everything is right, this isn’t a problem, but when thing takes an unexpected turn sometimes, my whole identity is shaken.
It’s not as dramatic as it sounds, it takes time for the layers of me unravel. The longer the detour, the more I have trouble with this. Only after unraveling everything I am gets called into question. Who am I? What do I mean to other? What role I play in their lives? How do they see me and is that how see myself? These are questions I have asked myself FAR too many times. I try to be as self-aware as possible. Knowing my faults and working on them. I have a worry I cannot see everything, and that I am missing a glaring imperfection in my personality. I am hard on myself for that reason, looking for errors so that I can fix them. That is under the juvenile pretense if I can fix myself enough people will love me.
It’s silly and ridiculous, the notion of needing to be good enough for love. I can give a long history of reasons as to why I feel this way, and knowing enough about people gives me the insight that that idea is purely internal. I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but my other concern is the feeling come and goes as it pleases, not to when it pleases me.
At this point, I have trouble with who I am. Doubt is born within my heart and mind.
I am smart, but I don’t get treated like I’m smart so maybe I’m not.
I am fun to be around, but no one seems to want to be around me so maybe I’m not.
I am dependable, but no one depends on me so maybe I’m not.
It’s these ridiculous things that I hate in myself. It whispers in my ear, telling me that I am not, and I will never be.
I am consistent, having learned to fight through it. I found traits based on my perceptions.
I am healthy.
I am a deep thinker.
I am serious and have a dry wit.
Adding to my lists, I am creating a building that requires no one to keep it standing.
I don’t know if cutting people out of this process is a right or wrong, but I do know it does help with sanity when I can lesson the load on I expect from others. Self-esteem is not my strongest trait, alternatively, self-efficacy is. I may not be the most confident with who I am, but I am confident with I can do. Anything I put my mind to.
Maybe I am too caught up with the man in the mirror and should be more concerned with what he does than who he may be.