My Ugly and Beautiful Daughter

mononoke

Princess Mononoke – Hayao Miyazaki

I have these moments, these wonderfully terrible and beautiful moments being crushed by the humility of my weaknesses. It’s when I am tired that it becomes more apparent, when everything taught simply refuses to be retained. These fantastically tragic thoughts lead to one amazingly cataclysmic conclusion, one I come to often. I am simply human.

I’ve talked about this before, this empowerment of being human. It’s the knowledge of the human legacy that gives us strength. We stand on the shoulders of giants but we ourselves all have the makings of a human colossus. This time though, I can see the amazingness of those around me, feeling the strain of their strength against my inability and weakness. It’s bittersweet but motivating as part of me needs to do tough things, things no one thinks possible, all so I know anyone can. I’m not special in design or function. I am a bit strange in operation, but outside of my experiences, I really am like anyone else.  That’s why the power I give in the words of advice is not talking in any way to distance myself or make it seems that I stand above. No, it’s the simple fact that I want people realize too that this idiotic smart person managed to stumble his way through life and found an answer on the other side. An answer which given may at the allow you to struggle much less than I have.

It’s in this constant contradiction of wanting to both eviscerate myself and all that I am and desiring unrefutable immortality that life’s absurdity and our place within it become perfectly crystal clear. The looking for purpose but living in an uncaring universe, divining of our own lives but being tied inexplicably to the forces beyond our control. The culmination of all things and thoughts up to this point have happened before and are purely original. When accepting these things that I find peace within our humanity. The struggle of those who are much greater than I could ever be fighting against this constant onslaught of unknown chaos, edging out a sense of peace and order in this crazy world we live. It’s these unceremonious baby steps that allow us to make large leaps. These conversations that only a few experience that send waves through history. It’s the quiet moments that pass by that resonate within our soul, allowing for the cacophony of spirit to arise.

It’s the existence of the duality of man, the ability to be capable of all things that drives me. We are peace and destruction. We are savior and sinner. Within all of us lies that history of all things and a blank slate to begin anew.  We can be anything, darkness, and light. It’s then our choice as to which side of the coin, which hand to extend. Our lives are long, and millions of choices are made, each one with the opportunity for any answer. We are all human, and there is nothing simple about it, but there can be simplicity within it. This brings me peace as it means all of us are capable of anything and nothing at all.

​Title Change

You know, I have mentioned this many times before, but I started this blog as a way to practice writing and working towards being more open with my emotions.  So for a long time, my blog has been called “Lost In Translation” because, other than sounding like cool, it represented where I was with writing and expressing on the page. That whenever I spoke my mind or wrote my thoughts, something would be lost, misconstrued, or in some way, reduced. Expression in it of itself is easy, doing it well is another story.  So over the past several years, I spent time and effort attempting to bridge that gap between thoughts and words, my feelings, and my expression.  It has come to me that though that through all this writing, my purposes have changed slightly from just expressing and learning to express to cataloging my experiences and exploring what it to be human. It felt as if that name stopped really fitting well with the name I had initially picked and something new is arising. So, after almost 4 years of writing, I am changing the title of my blog from “Lost In Translation” to “Too Human” because at times that’s how I feel as if I delve too deep and feel this strain of what becomes of humanity if you put it down on a page.

I hope it doesn’t come off artificial or arrogant, it’s a name that comes from a feeling I get a lot. That if only I were a little less human, some of the problems I have would go away. That the fears, emotions, and inadequacies would be rectified if I could simply wrangle this beast called humanity inside my heart and do away with it when things become difficult. It’s a reflection I think that we all do and aspiration towards an unadulterated truth that I want to uphold. “Too Human” represents, at least to me, humility and understanding how far we go sometimes. Though that is not to say that it’s a defeatist attitude towards human nature, quite the opposite, most of these post are about overcoming obstacles and dealing with troubles.  Humanity can be both inspirational and disheartening, but what this blog will be is truthful, and I can be happy with that.

I hope this change will come with more insight and introspection. As always for anyone who takes time out of their day to read this, thank you for reading, I hope that the future brings good things.

On The Side: I’m an avid Dungeons, and Dragons player and one of the things that come up if you play is that if you were to create yourself as a character what would you be.  Now, of course, my aspiration, like most, would be something powerful, magical, mysterious, and deep.  For some, it’s fitting, as their personality meshes well with these other creatures and races. Each time I ask though “what would I be?” it always came back the same, “human.”  I think what upsets me about it was that no one really likes being called vanilla (even if it is a good flavor), we always like to think of ourselves as something special, something beyond ourselves.  Sure we might be successful at navigating the world we live in, but each of us always wishes, if not just a little, to be more than that. To be more than ‘just human. ‘

Now, as time has gone on, I’ve come to the like this designation (probably from overthinking and the cognitive dissonance that I had to rectify) to know that just because you’re human doesn’t make you not unique.  All we know is human, it might be the default, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Vanilla is still a flavor, it’s just one that has a lot of versatility. Sure at the start, it doesn’t sound too exciting, but you have to remember where it starts and where it ends can be two very different places. Humanity is the jack of all trades because it really just fit in and overcome just about anything. Though we may be human, we are human, and that in it of itself is something to remember. With history as our guide, and stories of great peoples in our hearts we always go farther than we might initially believe knowing that those who came before have some done so much and those who come after will do so much more. I am okay with being human, especially in this fantasy world, because it means at least at the end of the day I can really be whoever I want to be.