Like a pick of the finger,
Or the poisoning of blood.
My body feels like it’s crawling through mud.
My eyes feel heavy.
My soul feels crossed.
Why is it that I feel so lost?
It’s in these moments,
When sleep is never enough
It’s falling into dreaming, and never wanting to wake up.
I fall, I fall far into sleep.
Wondering where it is that my feelings will peak.
Down down, to that place of slumber
Like something has torn my body asunder.
It’s not even that I am hurt.
It’s not because I am diseased
My only problem is that my heart is not pleased.
Nothing seems to smell so sweet.
And nothing at all can compel me to my feet.
And yet I recollect on the past and present
Twisting and turning in ways not so pleasant
So I call to you oh sleeping beauty
Is it not the perilous prick that put you down
Or is it the tumultuous feelings about the crown?
Maybe if I just sleep a little bit more
The clouds will change
And this feeling be no more.
Yeah if I sleep a little bit more
Perhaps there will be a reason to wake up for.
My eyes feel like their bleeding
Dripping from page to page
I can’t stop the seeping because
My stress level is high
My list of things to do is higher
I don’t really know what to do
My body feels like its breaking down
Piece by piece
I turn away from the pain
I feel in some way I need it
Like it makes me better
But maybe not when my body is screaming
My eyes feel like their bleeding
and I can’t stop looking at the screen
Words being written
So many people to please
I hope this end soon
That I escape from this dream
but who knows, I asked for this
It sits there taunting me
Asking me to play
I slowly reach over
And begin my day
On and off the screen goes
With it in my pocket
Tracking every move
I know it’s trying to kill me,
I just need to figure out how
Maybe poisoning my mind with all sorts of stuff
Showing me picture and videos of things I don’t need
Until I can’t even think anymore
It finally just succeeds
Maybe it will be more blatant like shock
With a slip up I find
When the camera facing inward
It leaves me wanting to be blind
Maybe it is to just make me unaware
Walking down the sidewalk
Watching a video, it seems
Might be my undoing when hit a pole with ease
My phones trying to kill me
And I can’t figure out how
Because each time I use it
It feels like I am dying a little on the inside.
My body feels rugged
Beaten and bruised
Heavy and slow
I though have not fought it
Quite the opposite,
I fed the fires that burned within
Unquenchable and everlasting
As my appetite reaches the level of unsatiable
My hunger growl at me for more
It emptied me out
Makes me feel spent
Even from the moment of arising
I feel my body is resisting me, resisting life
I don’t know
What will cure me
But I am looking
And here’s hoping
I find it soon.
It feels like it flows from my fingertips
The expression of memory and intimacy
Flashes of feeling and memory
A vividness that captures my attention
They are escaping me
Like as memory
Each time remembered becomes softer
If feels like the flash is the memories life
The feeling trying to resurface and live
Gasping for air, one last stand before being left behind
It’s too late now
I can’t go back to relive the memories
Can’t go back to make any more
So sit motionless waiting for them to pass
Hoping to capture those last moments
There they go.
I keep having dreams of her
A being from my past life
With each time I close my eyes
I feel a bittersweet sorrow
They are all vivid
These visions of mine
Spurred on by a combination
of a small conversation
and the remnants of a connection that remains tangled
These dreams ask me to reach
To reach out and speak to her
To fulfill these feelings that have come welling up
Not of love
But to something else, I don’t understand
Is it connection lost
A comfort missed
A fear placated
Or some secret desire of my heart
I don’t understand and I don’t like not understanding
I’ve asked others for council
But there is not enough there
Only stabs in the dark
Not intention just guesses to the question
So I remain frozen here
Waiting for a sign
To clear up these unknowns
These feeling and actions are different than who I am
But then again these are all feelings from a past life
One where I knew her and didn’t need dreams to see.
Another day beckons me
Calling for my ceasing of action.
Calling for me rest my head so it can prepare itself.
I am ready for it now
Sleep is on the horizon
I am waiting for the sun
To call my name as it arises
To rouse me from my bed
As It tells me whats in store
I can’t wait to see
What tomorrow may bring to me
What next expeirnces will show
And what memories to be made
Another day beckons me
and I am ready.
Confidence like glass shatters,
The moment it breaks,
Your heart drops and the noise resonates within you,
Leaving sharp pieces of a once clear thing scattered around
Unable to move
you become afraid to hurt yourself more
On the shards of your once intact self
Like a minefield, you feel you must tread carefully
Because you are susceptible to harm
There you stand
Watching as the light twinkles upon the pieces defiantly
With all these numerous and infinitesimal selves scattered about
You can’t put it back together.
You have to clean up the debris
and start again
Hoping it’s stronger the next time though.
It’s not as bad as you think it is
Or could be
Just keep going
You’ll get there eventually
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
– The Great Gatsby
I laugh to keep from crying
It trails me from afar
In a way I can never predict
It bites me when I’m tired
It hovers when I’m sick
I have given all I have to fight it
Or I may never win
It sits there haunting me
Like a regret but more subtle.
It’s not that I haven’t gotten over it
It’s because I am worried it isn’t done with me
Maybe it’s my fault
Thinking it might shatter my grand illusion
But I shouldn’t be worried
As long as I who I say I am
Maybe that’s my sin
That I may just fall apart
and all I will be left with is him.