Coming to Terms with Divergent Paths

Yayuka – DDDDD_DIE

I try and hold.
These things inside,
the struggle to understand
to make sense
the discordant foundations
and beliefs
that come in conflict
and disorient my soul.

I walk at night, after a long day of thinking and doing. Trying in some way to come to terms with the various divergent thoughts and beliefs that been instilled in my from a young age. Freedoms but not too free, compassion but not for those people, love for everyone but yourself. I don’t understand when the lines in the sand the people draw and will not cross end up curved or askew. When certain principles fail to meet a standard of universality it’s hard to understand the hypocrisy behind it. The arbitrary lines that are drawn make it seem as though the some sort of rhyme or reason to them but when asked to interpret them at times there is no reasonable answer or explanation. Most of the time it’s just because that is the way it has always been. The question is to why, and how these lines are drawn never escapes me.

This is why it makes it so hard to pick up and run with anything for me. These discordant ways of living fill up my head and make wonder what kind of path I follow if I were to actually pursue a sense of truth from any of these roads. I do not pick because I seek to understand truth, and to understand truth I have to know that perhaps what I see may not be what actually is. To seek truth means that I may be left wondering how I make sense of all these things I grew up and hold dear in my heart. To pursue truth, I am left open to the possibility of reinterpretation. To know truth I have to be okay with having these hard conversations in my heart to reconcile the earth and the sky.

We grow and change, and as such, as long as we are open, we can step towards that truth that I so crave to see.

How To Cultivate A Thought Parasite

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It’s happened again, these crises of the mind and spirit.  I feel it in my bones, fear. What am I to do. The rising tide of anxiety washes over me, drowning me it’s dense waters. Leaving me gasping for air in the cold abyss of failure. Grasping for air, and hoping to get out.

This past week I was confronted by the smallest of the invasive thoughts that fed and grew in the back of my mind quickly.  It’s the lack of sleep I said, or perhaps the hunger.  I’ve just been pushing myself too hard, but that’s it’s breeding grounds.  When my mental defenses are lowered, it strikes at me, claiming more and more of my brain, consuming me and my thoughts.  There I am, battling against the creature who uses the voice in my head to try and convince me that I am no good. Trying to convince me to lay down again and begin to die.

It often follows those highs of experience, I know mine does. This one came after a let a small daydream free, and it became a nightmare.  The thoughts in my mind surging after this mental parasite to stop the spread but it was already too late, it implanted itself in my insecurities of the past, fertile ground for a thought so sweet. A feeling of grandeur turns to ash as my capability comes into question.  “You will never be good enough to get this far,” it says,  “Turn back, collapse, you know your just setting yourself up to fail.” I don’t know what to do, the foundation I build for myself feels more and more like a house of cards teetering on the precipice of collapse.  What is this, will it be good enough. My path once more becomes obscured and dark.  How far will I be able to go, and even if I give it my all, will that be enough?

I realize I’ve invested now, that was my mistake.  I am invested in a future I want so bad that my heart cries out to me as I speak it.  This is where I went wrong, didn’t your childhood teach you not to do this. Not to invest in one way or another because you will be let down again and again. I can’t help myself, I want it so bad that I am willing to give all away for a second in that world.  A passion that erupts and drives me forward, that want’s to turn into the crazed obsession of a madman with a purpose and a goal.

“You just are strong enough” it retorts, “You never have been, and you never will be.”  This thought, drawing back blow after blow to strike at me is right.  I feel like I’ve had so many chances and through these chances I have successfully squandered my dream in the pretense of comfort and mediocrity.  I just hope, time after time, hour after hour, that I will wash away these inadequacies and show the world that I am someone. I don’t know though, my guard is down, and my weakness is revealed, my self-esteem takes a blow. All I am is human, and maybe I am not enough.

Truth is I am weak.  I am weak and at times incapable.  I am an emotional creature who waxes and wanes on the mood of the day. At times unable because of the wall of inability that rises up ahead of me. I’m loud and think before I speak.  I sometimes say some funny things and do even weirder ones. My brain fills up sometimes, and I feel like an idiot because I don’t understand what is going on.  I know this, this is just what it’s like to be human. I know this limitation, and that’s okay because that’s all we all are. Being human, and together we can actually do some good and make life beautiful. As long as I know that, I will be okay. As as I know that, I can get rid of the parasitic thought in my brain.