My hands won’t move like I want them to, gracing the keys of my keyboard only as a means to waste the empty time I yearn for. These hands of mine can’t seem to catch that little spark of motivation to light my spirit ablaze and free me of this cumbersome dread that seems to linger. A lingering that fills up with self-doubt and feelings of personal failure. I keep telling myself, I need a day. A day where nothing happens that I am free for a moment of the shackles that bind me to earth. I feel the weight sitting upon me like chains stacked aloft wishing to be free of this burden. All I can do is climb to the sky in hopes to touch it and be like the birds that fly above. Maybe then I will be able to unburden these weights from me and float free. My breath feels short, as the mountain I climb peaks are hidden in clouds, the path ahead is treacherous, but I am more afraid the shattered pieces of a broken will than any jagged rocks I may find along the way.
Is it discipline than I lack? Motivation is a fleeting mistress that only comes by to entice you along the path but is long gone by the time it actually matters. I need to pursue discipline than, a being that requires energy to fight back the entropy of the continued universe has on my life. With each rising degree the summer heat saps my energy, leaving me with traces of what could have been produced. Is the answer simply just to decide to do so? Can it be that simple as just to power through? Most of human nature is left to an infinitely complex set of dispositions and experiences, and yet each of us is faced with the simple dichotomous decision of will and won’t. Is that where my problem lies. I am simply not saying will enough and letting time pass by and chose for me.
Here I sit in the heat of summer surrounded by fans hoping for the night air to finally cool. Maybe tomorrow rings in my head, a tomorrow of infinite possibilities. I know I can’t wait until then. Everything is given to tomorrow, so much so that tomorrow never comes because it is scared of the work. What is better than tomorrow but today. If I start working today then we can find a way to inch by inch climb this mountain shrouded in clouds and finally touch the sky.
Flying isn’t the act of merely finding yourself in the air, but working hard enough to keep yourself there.
A world made up of heroes and villains, a world of fantasy that over lays itself on our own. People far and wide look up to heroes and want to be like them. I think the world loves its heroes not because of the flashy way they go about their lives but the idea that someone of an almost mythical quality can come an take you away from the problems you have. I’ve always wanted to be a hero in someway, someone who can save people, change their lived in an instant, and inspire other to carry on doing great things. Its not exactly that straight forward though, it doesn’t just happen in a moment.
I just want to help others, lessen as much of their suffering as much as I can, but it doesn’t always work out the way I want. I can’t save everyone on my own, but does that mean I should stop trying. Never. It’s a matter of understanding what I can and can’t do at the moment. The limitations that I have, and what powers I can use to lessen a problem not create new ones.
Situations may arise where it turns out I am simply not the right person to help, that in no small way am I the hero in their story, not the right person to be telling people advice or helping them along the way. That there is someone more meaningful or impactful that in their heart of hearts they hope they see. Do I keep at it then, it’s a bit of a slog over time. Perhaps I should help find the person that would be most impactful for them, being an intermediary hero. Maybe I need to maximize my impact by excelling in my own way so that people can look up to me, perhaps they will listen then. Then maybe I can become this right person to help them along the way.
There is also the saying of “healthy neglect” the idea that people in some way have to struggle on their own through situations so they can learn the lessons and get stronger. I have a hard time with this because I see somebody struggling and my first instinct is to extend my hand in aid.
Furthermore, I hate that the world has its own plans. It’s the hard part about psychology, even if you know the problem and answer, it doesn’t mean it will happen or that you can do anything about it. Each person had to make their own choices because they are the ones who have to deal with the feeling afterward. Each step they take they have to take on their own.
Who really knows though, I will keep fighting because that is who I am. I might get saddened by peoples sadness, hope to god that I can just make their life better even if it’s not by much. To create that positive impact that follows you like a trail blazed through a forest.