Road To Recovery – Road 10 – Road’s End

It’s moving forward, beyond this accident, beyond these feelings, and parsing apart the new me from this accidental self that only erupted from the flowing rain.  A slow set of moments that have started to collect speed, a set of days that travel faster as the momentum in my legs finally can carry me forward. It’s not the end but it’s the goodbye for now, a small bow before the curtain call, before the encore, before the exit, knowing that the show is mostly over and real life will resume again.  Things have happened, and will continue to happen like the lingering flash of memories that still persists within my sleep-deprived mind.  I keep on seeing the past and the future split between my eyes like hands in front of my face, ready to be pulled in any which direction that the wind blows. As the horizon nears, I look back at where I came realizing it now part of me now, but must move ahead just the same, a bitter sweet moment as life moves on.

The accident is coming to a close, though its ripple will be felt for months and perhaps years afterwards. This through this experience that I am able to get a clearer picture of the world, an image that is more directed and more focused on this recovery. It has allowed me to know exactly who I am in these most dire of situations and for that I am grateful. There really isn’t much to say about how I feel about this coming to a close, these things don’t happen abruptly but slowly and almost imperceptibly across time so that as I have gotten here I know where I was and where I am but have no idea all the steps taken for me to get to where I am.

As it draws to an end, and turn that corner onto something new, I realize that I may intersect with this road again, this place where I spent so many days moving through and taking in the world in a different way. A scenic route found on an incidental detour, the road will always be there as I have traveled down upon it part of my journey to where I need to go. I may look back at it with fond memories of the twist and turns but it’s time to depart and get back on my journey toward my dream.

Thank you for coming with me this far, I’m sure this isn’t the end of my recovery but it is at least it the point where I can start on something new.
Stronger Every Day.

The Eventual Death Of The Universe

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Do you ever think about the heat death of the universe?
From the moment I learned about it in high school chemistry class, I reflect on it and what it means.  The heat death of the universe happens when all energy is expended when all matter has reached its equilibrium, and there is nothing left to do. It’s the ultimate end of everything because there’s nothing left, just the cold and the still.

Life and nature curve its way toward entropy, a chaotic system, without any help something that is orderly will slowly break down over time to little bits and pieces.  This happens until there is nothing left to do, and it will move on to something else. Nothing is immune to this effect, and if we want to build something or maintain it, we have to put an effort in, use up the energy to do so. This lost energy we can never get back and slowly it ticks us ever closer to the end.

I think about how this relates to people, the idea that our relationships or lives are these massive towers we build for ourselves.  To create these monuments in our lives we spend time and energy, and without time and energy, they simply wither away.  We try and sometimes maintain order in our lives, but all it takes is a little bit of disorder to throw us off our game.  Life is effortful, it takes a lot of energy to live the life we want to live.

Our bodies are made to conserve energy, to ration it properly, as if it were always in scarcity.  The truth of it is that people will always skew to doing the easier thing.  It’s within our nature to figure out the pattern to something and learn to cut down the process to its most essential.  That’s why patience and discipline, for the most part, are learned traits, not inate.  That’s also why when you hear about great peoples and their great actions, it’s not about what the result was, a lot of the time what they did was nothing more than a series of small, doable things, it’s more that they did it.  They pushed themselves beyond what peoples see as natural or the doable.  The push themselves to new heights because they are willing to continue to put in the energy to do so.
They are not afraid of building towers and having them fall willing in spite of that.

I think about the heat death of the universe and wonder if I can fight against it, even if by just a little for a little while.  To build a life that I expend this energy to create something more than what was there before.  To build and maintain relationships and a life that is in spite of the constant pull toward the comfortable and the easy.  I want to try at least, to become something more than this scarcity.

If I’m constantly worried about where my energy is going, I never am able to use it all for what really matters to me, living a good life the best way I can.