I find myself here again,in the realization that I have taken steps back when I had hoped that I was moving forward. Even now, my resistance to write only spells the dangers of what is left unresolved, the hurt, pain, and traumas of experience even now I can seldomly understand. So here I am, back to where I began that journey long ago, asking for the world to help light the way.

The problem is, that it feels like a retreat, a loss, a surrender. To be here means that I was drawn back into the vicious and viscous vortex of vexing vehemence I had believed I rose above.
I am flailing, hoping I can grab the branches but my arms are losing strength and these lifelines are out of reach. I sink further into the muck, for the mud to catch in my throat. I cough and heave but my vigor has left me. This monumentous motivation that moved me to climb mountains now sits there, in the mud, sinking listlessly into the dark abyss below.

Soon I will be covered, eyes well below the surface, losing sight of what is high and low, where was in our out, what was up or down. The dark seems so inviting because letting go will free me of this guilt I have about the slide I am doing. As I sink further, so too do I disconnect from the responsibility of moving forward.

Truthfully, I keep coming back to the question, why am I doing this?” and “What is it that I want?”. If I am here, is this the place I want to be? This sense of miswanting arises from following all I’ve ever known. This path has driven me thus far over so many years, but it begins to crumble under my feet. These cracks and rising stones slow my pace enough to question whether I missed the turn off long before or if the path untravel to which I need to persevere.

My legs slow, with no path in ahead. I survey they horizon but find nothing to gravitate to. Perhaps if I look up, at the stars in their meaningless arrangement that I may find inspiration within their ancient flame.

I can’t make promises at the moment for they will be empty but I can tell you want my dreaming. That I will see you again soon, outside the muck and mud, or at least trying to once again climb to freedom.