I’ve been reading a lot of philosophy recently. It’s something I’ve always had an interest in, but as I’ve come away from my program, I find I’m looking for something—some sort of prose or meaning within the text that will somehow make an obfuscated absurdity make sense within the realm of my reality.

I’m looking for peace after all of this harm. To find a truth that I thought I would find within my program but realized, rather late, that was never there in the first place. The questions of what is my purpose, how to live well, and how to be a good person. To meaningfully give back and provide my unique aptitudes in pursuit of a greater good and truth. Glory as it were, disguised in so many words. Which is puzzling why, then, I would resonate so well with the ideology of stoicism.

The pursuit of intrinsic control at the behest of a grand and uncontrollable universe. To pursue no comfort and sanctuary outside of right action and mental fortitude. To forgo glory all together in light of higher principles. To see circumstance as only a mechanism in which I can temper the blade of my will. At least that’s the glamorous side of things, that stoics pronounce. What the true message of stoicism is the realization that the universe, however manufactured, lies well beyond the comprehension of mere man. That through the lack omniscient existence we are relegated to an life in which the greater machinations of a whole will continue to spin without the input and influence of ourselves. We find that the way forward is to recognize the humility of our situation and in the humanity of our existence, and attempt to refine the machine within. All actions otherwise are hubris.

This does not mean that in our attempts to control our own universe that we cut ourselves off outside influence and roar against the machine. It it know that we are apart of the machine just as the water and the wind. That make up and emanate influence but know not to go against the nature of the world. That we can life soundly without the intruiges of society as we made whole instead through the recognition of ourselves and our needs. Though, that to some it sounds like giving up in the face of overwhelming adversities, what it truly means is to understand and act intentionally when the need arises.

Stoicism is precision, and understanding. That through internal life and knowing thyself (a lifelong pursuit) that we can find solace in our nature and examine our experiences with eyes wide open. That meaning comes from the pursuit of higher values and through that you will find fulfillment and not find value in fulfillment. That we live presently and fight when we see that injustice and for all other complaints fall away.

I speak to this as I am, like you, attempting to understand my place. To recognize that my world and experiences, however harsh exist only in on small corner of the universe and by letting go of these sufferings I can find peace no matter where I go. To recognize that failure and fault and not the end of the road but simply a step on the journey. That I want to find peace but not at the cost of others suffering. That I want to find strength with substance. That I want to heal but first I must tend to the wound. That I want truth, but am afraid to open myself to reality. I need this pursuit as much as a runner needs a road. That only by recognizing the immensity of the universe may I find my own way to operate within it. Beyond myself, towards truth. Beyond myself, towards peace.