Over the past few months, I’ve felt different than I have in a long long time. A quiet listlessness that has usurped my ambitions and set me down in this place of comfort and ease. That I come back from a long day without the need or worry to continue to operate as I had hours before at my desk. To consider the alternatives to the lifestyle that I have accommodated for so long. In thoughts restful hours, within that sense of serenity, I find the smoldering embers of dreams and ambitions asking to reawaken. Leaving the question of which life should I choose to live.

This decision I am face with feels different. Not the usual do or die, or the casual prosper or perish. No. This decision ask me what I feel that I want deep down in my soul. That now that I got a closer look at my dream and all of it’s imperfections whether I still want it. I hadn’t considered that in a long time. Whether my purpose lies with the dogged pursuit of truth or if I can put down this pen and drift elsewhere. The question of whether if I were to actually get everything that I want, will be fulfilled.

Perhaps that is a silly question all together, as I don’t remember the last time I have felt satiated. Will this hunger persist no matter the path? I find myself questioning whether this era of healing will drive me towards sanctuary or madness, in removing the only means I know to scratch this abominable itch deep within. The path I am on, at least for the moment, feels though hollow in it’s pursuit. Like the cornerstone is currently missing and I am holding my breath in hopes to one day for it to return. This unease of place and spaces to purse is disrupting a steady equilibrium that has sustained me for so long. Like eating hollow chips and empty calories, I know if things persist I will no find no quarter for my ambitions and anxieties.

I feel fragmented and in some ways incomplete. Though through this time I have also been given the liberty to spread my wings and mend my sorrows. I find the field of aplenty with noble pursuits but have no way of knowing which way to turn. I ask myself where I should go and what I should do as indecision runs itself through me. I am losing time but getting better as I do. What ever shall I do, in this place between ambition and healing.

For now I feel myself set against listless waves. Suspended in a sea in the hopes that I get swept to some foreign shore. I lay with my back against the water, facing towards the sky, hoping that the next time I go to open my eyes that I will have some ground to stand on and some worlds to conquer.