I need to heal. I feel this in my mind, body, and soul. I shake and fret over moments so small that I sometimes feel on the edge of collapse. Though not crushing, it’s the sting from when you get scratched too deep—the pain that permeates and pulses. I push it down but even then I know I carry it with me. I need to heal, and I hope this is the first step.

I’m so worried about the damage of unraveling that I push down and compartmentalize the pain to keep me away from the struggle. This, though, cuts me off from something just as important: an expression of spirit. I’ve been neglecting it for some time. Making excuses about why I have stayed away. I couldn’t deal wit the feelings of beginning as it brought back all the memories of yesterday that feels so unsettling.

I’ve been fighting for so long that I am afraid I don’t know how to live outside the emotional battlefield. The stresses and scares of my experiences pervade me in such a way that I feel physically resistant to doing the things I need to do to help myself. So I come back here to put words on a page in the hopes that I can start to dig again into my spirit and push forward beyond my limitations. To find a space to be free of strife and live a life I am meant to. It feels like a tired song or a neverending story, but at the moment, I know no other way to heal.

These words split from my fingers to tell me something more, that I’ve been holding too much in and that now is the time to set myself free. To forgive me for the life I have lived and tell myself that it’s okay to have not measured up to who I wanted to be. It’s never too late, but don’t hold onto the image of yesterday to forsake the promise of tomorrow. I can’t help myself; it felt so sweet back then. The ravages of time felt like they took their toll, unfairly weighing on my face and body like a ship weathered by the constant sea and storm.

I know there is no going back; the past is within the past, but could it not have been more gentle in its transition? It makes me so afraid of working towards my dreams because of the pain I experience to get to this one.

But what does the cost matter if you were willing to pay it. You were willing to jump knowing that not all things in life come easy or work well. The pain you feel on your soul is a remark of a spirit that stayed true to itself despite the difficulties. A worn and beaten statue does not tell himself of all the injury but all the moments it learned to live through.

This way I too need to be true to myself, do I really want to live a life without difficulty? Would stopping now fulfill my journey of dreams? I know the answer is no, but I don’t remember where to begin again.

IPursuing a dream is the journey of a million steps, and what gets you there is to keep walking. There are moments when you will need to bandage your feet, take a moment to heal, and appreciate what you have accomplished along the way, but the only way forward is through.

Be kind, I may falter, as I begin this journey anew.