I’ve spent most of my life attempting to escape, avoid, and overcome the complications that come from interpersonal relationships. You would too if you had the life I did growing up, where the instability of family, friends, and overall relationships would ensure that I was always alert and anticipating danger at every turn. To cope with this, I didn’t not get involved with others, even when their lives were difficult or they wanted me to come along as I felt that their life circumstances would somehow find it’s way back to me and punishment would be soon to come. Distance was king and I was born to be a ruler.

As I grew, experiences made me wiser. I had a revelation that distance can keep you safe but can’t keep you warm at night. The space between us all makes us feel cold and ultimately alone as the chill of distance whips away the only warmth we have left. A life trying to cultivate a small internal flame to reduce the occurrence of trouble with the flame of other people began to make me feel like a king of fools in a tower of ice of my own creation. I sought to amend this chill and became more involved with people’s lives, those of my friends, family, and acquaintances. I never lost the wariness of that time but it at least felt like I was moving forwards and allowing my heart and soul to thaw in the congregation of other people.

It’s been many years since this revelation and I have built a foundation where I find those who I have chosen to let in to enter my heart and warm its chamber to support me. Though I may not be the ruler of this domain, I am at least among those who are will me to walk with me on this journey. These connections I know to be indispensable.

To diverge for a moment, for the totality of this story to make sense, I need to address another trait that runs orthogonally to what I believe in this instance of distance, warmth, and ice. I grew up believing in heroes, not necessarily for the ultimate and sometimes outlandish way they would go about the world but this idea that the struggle against wrong and evil, though at times arduous, was worthwhile. That good in the world was a manifestation of intention and work, and a good life requires eternal vigilance. Through strife, we may be able to create something greater. Not all work may feel progressive but all steps at least move us in a direction of change.

This meant then when I saw something wrong occurring I would try to go out of my way to make it right. To find that justice. Though going through life rather passively at first, I have gained the courage to fight for good even at the expense of my comfort and myself. I have found solace in my integrity and found purpose in serving it. It was some something I learned and looked up to. This desire to live a life serving the light despite the challenges.

When these two things meet what I find is difficult decisions. When the beneficial nature of a foundation of warmth collides with stiff belief and integrity, it leads to a loss of self or of foundation. A need for the balance to become upset purposefully, to be an agent of entropy, to destroy a piece of my heart or a piece of my soul. It requires a sacrifice, to bring about harm to myself either way. To care means to open yourself up to trouble, and I found myself within it.

Then the question, which do I sacrifice. My heart or my soul. It’s been a conundrum that I’ve been contending in the long hours of my nights. Do I allow the entropy to escape, to wound my heart, to make things right but potentially shatter someone’s foundation in the process? Or, do I allow myself to allow this great injustice to eat me from the inside out, never allowing myself to live in peace? Though one of the options feels clearly more selfish as it may save me from a lifetime of suffering, it will do harm to others through harm to bring out a potential good. It makes it all the worse to parse whether the intention to choose it is to save others or myself. I am overwhelmed by the burden of this decision though I do know what I must do for the sake of others so I ask for the courage to push forward.

I avoided people to ensure I wouldn’t be stuck in situations like these as plays are fun to watch not to perform. Perhaps this comedy or tragedy of my life requires this act to set another journey in motion.

The danger of opening up is the vulnerability to hurt and be hurt. Though I do not know if the path I walk is correct, I will walk it with my head held high as that the best I can do. To walk with integrity so I continue forward. Though it pains me to do this, I don’t regret walking forward because I at least know who I will be once this is all over.