It’s when I push too hard that my body starts to deteriorate. It takes what would normally be my fast-paced and busy lifestyle and grinds it to a halt. It’s frustrating, but for current it’s a blessing. It makes me take a second to reflect on all the trouble.
The is a lack of direction again, an unclear path unfolds before. In this period of time, leading up the eventual application season again, I feel by far only prepared for the process, not prepared for where the process may lead. I search names, I search places but all that comes back is memories of years ago when the process brought me down and crushed me. This trouble persists in part because of this inability to put a finger on exactly what I want to be doing for the next five years. Sure, I want to spend it in a school, pursuing a degree in psychology and technology but that’s as far as that goes. This fuzzy outline with no tangible or actionable itinerary drives me mad in the middle of the night because it stirs confusion within me. If I can’t even put into words what I want to do, then how I am supposed to find someone who is doing it?
Second, as mentioned before in previous posts, I feel this futility in what I do. My motivations, though initially pure are becoming clouded by a distinct lack of self-efficacy about the world I am about to enter. Even with everything I am doing, I feel that it is all too little too late and that ultimately I will be passed up for someone much more capable than myself. It’s hard because people believe in me but in my experience, this belief seems to not persist into action. I want to make people proud but there is a fear that I will continue to come up short. I keep pushing, hoping that I will bring myself to the level warranted by their belief, hoping to guide the way and show people that it was worth the effort, but I don’t know, I have to convince a room of strangers that I am worth investing in and the excuse of, well if you only got to know him really doesn’t cut it.
Lastly, I feel this pressure from above and below. It’s more of jealousy that turned my eyes green. I see people doing so many cool things and despise myself for not coming up with it first. I feel like I just a child in this great research game, playing with toys and trying to show others how cool the land of make-believe can be while others putting in the work and the time to really push the world forward. Maybe I’m old enough to finally put away childish things, but it feels like I’ve clung to this conception of what I want that I don’t realize that no one really cares about it. Like I’ve been living in the sky but it’s the ones down on earth who are sending people to the moon.
I want to stop this.
I will stop this. Stop looking out in the world and seeing what I am missing within. No one is perfect and being like this has done more harm than good. What I really need it eyes up. Looking forward to the future I want, instead of at the ground commenting on how close I am to always falling. So if you’ve seen me recently fade in and out of dreaming it’s because of this, these feelings that attempting to bore holes in my heart. This process is revealing and the only thing I can say thank you for showing me my demons because now I can learn to make friends with them.